A difference a week makes

 

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and He helped me. 

~Psalms 28:7

What a difference a week makes, it is so hard for me to believe just one week ago I was sobbing on the phone to my parents late at night about how desperate I felt, how hard this season of my life is right now, and how I just needed them to pray for me.  Our conversation was filled with tears on both ends and a sense of helplessness as parents.  I know they felt helpless on how to help me through this and I felt helpless on how to help Mable through this season.  All of us parents, yet clinging to the hope and promise God gives us through His Word.  Psalms 28:7 is one of my favorite scriptures because I find myself needing the reminder He is my strength because without Him I have none!  He is my shield because without Him I will surely be crushed.  My heart trusts in Him because He LOVES me and has MY BEST interest in mind.  He helps me in EVERY situation because He will NEVER forsake me.  I am just like everyone else and my life gets messy, I make a lot of mistakes and suffer the consequences of my poor choices most of the time.  As an adult and someone who believes Jesus is my Savior, I understand I cannot live my life without Him.  I understand I am filled with a sinful nature and it takes a relationship with Jesus to navigate this life.  I accept being an adult and all that goes with it BUT where life gets hard is when I have to watch my children struggle.  I know they are not immune to struggles any more than I am or anyone else.  I know struggles will help teach them and mold them, provide opportunities for them to learn about Jesus, and provide me opportunities to model a life surrendered to God.  Where I tend to get stuck is when it comes to Mable because I don’t have the slightest idea of what it is like to be autistic!  Yes, I have learned how to help her cope, I have learned how to quickly scan a room for triggers, and I have learned how to structure our lives for her to feel as safe as possible.  I have done a lot of learning over the years, yet still feel like I am only at the beginning of this learning curve.  Last Spring Mable started struggling with a compulsive issue, think of people who have to wash their hands so many times before stopping or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory who has to knock on the door three times, but the problem is her compulsive issues are her imaginary friends.  She would think someone took her journal that didn’t exist, her tail is stuck, her gloves came off, Sponge Bob is chasing her with his spatula, etc.  At first I could ask, “how can I help you”? and she could give me a series of steps to solve the problem but over time no amount of steps would make the problem better.  During this time I also found out she needed to have one of her mood stabilizers removed due to it raising other levels in her body.  So the chase began, chasing compulsive issues and mood stabilizers.  I knew a long road was ahead of me because of her history but I pressed on with prayer, guidance from her psychiatrist, friends, and family.  I have used essential oils, I have tried various medicines, and prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life.  All of this led to the events of last weekend, a mood stabilizer that made my sweet, loving girl violent.  Since the mood stabilizer starts out slowly the violence started out slowly as well.  It is not uncommon for autistic children to cause harm during a melt down and Mable is no exception to that rule.  Over the years she has bit people, kicked, scratched, etc. in her school setting; however, she has never done those things to me.  She has always clung to me to feel safe, to reassure her, to love her…it was so difficult to suddenly become the target of her raging behavior!  Yet, there I was in the middle of her out of control storm standing on one side of her door while she stood on the other side hurling things at me.  I would shut the door when she threw something or lunged at me but always open it again once the moment passed and reassure her she was not alone in this storm.  The back of her bedroom door looks like a war zone, her room equally as bad and both of us with bruises and cuts from the all day long battle.  Last Saturday, is a day I will never forget because I have never felt so helpless in my life!  There I was helpless to help my sweet girl who was in such a desperate time in her life.  All I had was prayer, all I had was my Psalms 28:7 scripture verse, all I had was all the promises I knew God gives in His word!  As the event unfolded I was reminded of ideas and suggestions that had been given to me earlier in the week, which is exactly what I need to help keep Mable safe in that moment.  I also had God’s peace wrapped around me as tightly as a winter coat, I could feel it all over me as if I was in the middle of a snow storm and being kept warm.  It certainly was beyond my understanding because NOTHING in this episode was peaceful.  We were both fighting for our lives!  Mable was fighting the raging, imaginary monsters in her head and I was fighting to keep both of us safe as she found the latest object to cause damage.  Eventually it ended, both of us sweating, worn out and minimally hurt.  As she moved throughout the rest of the day, I worked to ensure her room would be safe for both of us which meant basically an empty bedroom for Mable.  Her room only has a bed and dresser right now until I know this season has passed!  The episodes the rest of the day were better because the only dangerous item left, who knew kids toys could become weapons!, was her own body.  Thankfully, bedtime came and a much needed breakdown!  I am so grateful I have an amazing family & friends because I am not sure how I would make it without them.  I really have a long list of people I can call and hear encouraging words, get support, or whatever I need.  I am blessed and not a day goes by that I am unaware of how blessed I am.  Most of the time I don’t NEED anyone to do anything, I don’t NEED action from others very often because most don’t know how to help Mable in her time of need, but what I do NEED often is just someone to listen to my tears without judgment.  It’s hard being the parent of a special needs child and it is a lifelong job.  It’s a job where feelings of failure happen quite often, judgment from others, feeling alone, dreams of grown children and all that come from grown children (i.e. college, marriage, grandchildren) get crushed, etc.  Life is suddenly changed with a diagnosis of special needs, no matter what that diagnosis may be, life for your child will never be as you dreamed it would be BUT it can also be better than you ever thought possible too.  I do worry about her future, her care, her life but I put all that worry in God's hands because He knows exactly what she needs and when she needs it.  For the record, I adore Mable!  If God had given me the option whether to be her mom or not, I would have chosen this life with her all over again in a heartbeat.  The joy she brings my life, the lessons I have learned, the perspective I have, the patience I have, the parent I am today is because of her.  She has added more to my life than I could ever imagine.  As I sit here tonight, reflecting on how drastically different this weekend was to last weekend, I can’t help but to hold onto

Isaiah 43:2-3 (NIV)

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. ³ For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…

I am grateful I have a Lord and Savior who is ALWAYS with me and will carry me THROUGH every event in my life.  I am also so thankful for the calmness we enjoyed this weekend.  Mable is still struggling with her compulsive issues and we are still trying to figure out the next step on how to help her, but the violence is gone!  My sweet, loving, giggling girl is back :)

Today as we watched Gateway Live, Mable said “that is my song!”

All He Says I Am – Gateway Worship

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDFqLnL0Sa-WE&v=FqLnL0Sa-WE

Phoebe Lucille

aka

Phoebalicious

Psalms 127:3 (GNT) ³ Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a real blessing.

My family has been blessed in so many ways but one of the blessings we are most grateful for are all the children each of us have been given by God.  Since I have several siblings we have had the joy of lots of little feet running around over the years.  We have been blessed to experience the precious children individually and in pairs.  I want to take a moment to break it down for you in hopes you will better understand how much the devastating news we received yesterday about Phoebe is so heart breaking for our family.  Although, I do understand a child dying of cancer is heartbreaking no matter what!

Kristina (currently 27 yrs) and Desiree (currently 25 yrs) were the first set of blessings for our family, they came with Gus when he married my older sister Dede and they were 4 and 6 yrs old and so much fun!  They were the only grand-kids/nieces and the joy of our family for a long time. 

Jake (currently 17 yrs) and Sam (currently 16 yrs) were the next set born although not at the same time and different parents but they are about six weeks apart, so close enough :)  Oh how excited we were to have new babies around and BOYS!  We enjoyed watching them discover things and Mammaw, Julie, finally had little people who shared her love of bugs and snakes!

Robert (currently 13) and Parker (currently 13) came next, again not a the same time, but this time Dede and my brother Jim I guess planned better because the boys are only four weeks apart!  We again were so excited to have new babies and more boys!!!  By this time we were definitely very familiar with all things boys, who knew boys could be so much fun!

Mable and Molly (just turned 13 yrs) my girls, followed shortly after the boys since they are just eight months younger than Robert and Parker.  Finally more girls to even out the playing field ;)  It was definitely interesting to see four little ones running around all at once and we were an extremely busy family at holiday functions.  But so much fun :)

This was our group of grand-kids/nieces/nephews for a few years and a pure delight for our family! We enjoyed every moment we had with them and still enjoy the young adults they are becoming today.  I am so proud to say they are being raised in Godly homes and are developing their own personal relationships with Jesus. 

Since Amey is my little sister, her group of children came a few years after this bunch and the Fair’s didn’t come in pairs.  I think there was a little bit more sweetness with this round of children because the “older” siblings were done having children and each birth was so exciting and new.

Ben (currently 11 yrs) a new baby boy!  It was so exciting to have a baby again to cuddle and snuggle with.  Ben was a very happy baby and so sweet!  He still is extremely sweet too.  

Averic (currently 9 yrs) a new baby boy! This one with blonde hair and the cutest nose, it was so wonderful to have another baby again and all the excitement and joy that comes with them.  His adventurous spirit is one of my favorite things!

Deacon (currently 5 yrs) a new baby boy! Oh how we love this boy and enjoyed having a wonderful baby to snuggle and cuddle.  His shyness makes you appreciate his hugs, cuddles, and love that much more :)

As you can see our family line up is very heavy on the boy side ;)  We think they are FABULOUS and now that they are all a lot bigger it is impressive to see all of them in one room!  Boys can eat lots and lots of food, just sayin…

Now we are to the one and only PHOEBALICIOUS! (currently 3 yrs) oh how this girl kept up waiting!  Since Amey lived in Mexico and believed in having a natural birth, we did a lot of waiting!  Phoebe finally made her arrival 3 weeks after her original due date.  Everyone was on baby watch via Facebook for many reasons, but the main one being we didn’t know if we were getting a boy or a girl.  Since the Fair’s like to produce boys, the odds were pretty strong for another Fabulous Fair Boy.  Oh the excitement of "it’s a girl"!  Phoebe has held all our attention from in the womb and still holds all of us captive today.  She is the baby girl of our family, she shines so brightly with her sweet smile and personality.  To be with her is to fall head over heels madly in love with her.  You can’t help yourself; you just want more and more of her!  You have never seen anything more precious than watching all the grandkids/nieces/nephews tend to her every need.  Yes, from birth to present Phoebe is our princess, our heart, and our miracle.  Being the “baby” and all things pink, sparkly, and girly in this huge group has a special place in all our hearts.  Phoebe captivates us like the sun, moon, and stars.  She is our miracle because as my dad posted on Facebook, “In Phoebe we have had a rare opportunity. In Phoebe we have seen Jesus and we will never be the same.”  Our hearts are all breaking, but the out pouring of love, prayers, and support our family has received during this journey is amazing!  Phoebe may not have much time left on this Earth, but the impact she has had in her short life will last for years to come.  Phoebe is definitely following in her great grandfather Zig Ziglar’s steps and leaving a legacy of leading people to Jesus!

Thank you so much for all the kind words, prayers, love, and support.  I am so grateful God has wrapped our family in such loving arms.  Our family is a family of faith and today's these verse bring me comfort.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) 

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; ⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a]

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Phoebalicious’ Aunt Jenni

Changed

Some days I find myself so wrapped up in gratitude I am a HUGE cry baby because it is so overwhelming and other days I struggle with fear of the unknown.  I can be overly grateful in one moment and then get that call with bad news about someone I love and suddenly be wrapped up in fear  the next moment.  It is an emotional rollercoaster for sure on some day.  But I love that God knows what I need, what I will go through, and how things will turn out long before I ever step on the rollercoaster.  I love that Jesus experienced this life on Earth and set the example for how we should live, and in this case respond to fear.  For a few months now this scripture has been speaking to me,

Luke 22:41-44 (Good News Translation)

⁴¹ Then he went off from them about the distance of a stone's throw and knelt down and prayed. ⁴² “Father,” he said, “if you will, take this cup of suffering away from me. Not my will, however, but your will be done.” ⁴³ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. ⁴⁴ In great anguish he prayed even more fervently; his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

It is encouraging to know that even Jesus asked God to please remove this cup of suffering from him.  It is so nice to know that even Jesus had to be scared on some level; He knew He would be enduring torture and a very painful death.  He knew the road ahead was not going to be easy.  BUT He did not set the example for us to dwell in the fear or run from it, He taught us to pray for God’s will to be done.  Why?  Because He knew God’s will was perfect and He knew what needed to happen for God’s glory and purpose. 

As I sit here tonight I think about all the pain I have gone through over this past year.  All the pain my family and friends have gone through and are going through.  I think about all the times I have asked, begged, and pleaded for God to please remove this cup of suffering from me because at times it just seemed like too much to bare. What I have discovered is while I have begged and pleaded for an easier road I have also asked for God’s will to be done in my life because I do know He wants what is best for me.  I can say that had God answered my cries to remove the pain, I would not be the person I am today.  I am stronger, confident, assured, and FIRMLY planted in my relationship with Him.  I have an unshakeable faith because I have endured some strong storms where every direction was tossing me around and He was all I had to cling too.  I am forever grateful God didn’t give me what I wanted (the easier path with a magic cure) but gave me what I needed (a road that lead me to be fully dependent upon Him).  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how scary the situation looks, I will be ok.  There is nothing too big for God and NOTHING is a shock to Him either!  

I am forever changed and forever grateful that God met me in my deepest, darkest, scariest, and broken place a year ago and loved me through it.  He changed me to be a reflection of Him and opened up so many doors to strengthen and encourage others in their darkest of moments.  He made me relatable and has given me the ability to be transparent.  My favorite picture these days is the one that says “When life gets too hard to stand….Kneel”  I love my Savior because he has saved me and not because I deserve it, but because He loves me.  All I did was cry out and was willing to surrender, to die to myself and live for Him.

I am so grateful for the life I have these days and blessed beyond belief :)

Changed – Rascal Flatts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVgfHz_f4Os

Drawing my Line…

Deuteronomy 1:32-33 (Good News Translation)

³² But in spite of what I said, you still would not trust the Lord, ³³ even though he always went ahead of you to find a place for you to camp. To show you the way, he went in front of you in a pillar of fire by night and in a pillar of cloud by day.

Lately I have been asking myself why does it feel like I am standing still and not moving closer to God.  Why does it feel as though my prayers are not being answered?  Why does it feel like life is so scary and uncertain?  I consider myself active in church, pray with my children, try to be a reflection of Jesus and His amazing love, spend time in the Bible, and so on.  It just feels like I hit a wall in some ways.  Now I totally get that feelings are just that FEELINGS.  Joyce Meyer’s posted this the other day on Facebook, “The sooner we learn that feelings are fickle, the better off we are.” Which is so true!  If I let my feelings lead me, man I get into LOTS of trouble!  The past nine months have taught me to trust in God’s promises and truth and not my feelings.  The past nine months have been an amazing journey for my spiritual walk and gratitude just doesn’t seem to be enough for all the blessings in my life.  But now I find myself at a wall, stuck, or standing still.  I have several friends that attended the Women of Faith Conference and honestly I was a little jealous because I couldn’t go.  I desperately knew I needed to get back into that “connection” with God, the kind that women experience while being with other women.  I watched my neighbor leave, but before she left I said I want to hear all about it when you get home!  God is SO AWESOME because she came home and told me all about it and prayers I had been praying just a day before were answered through her visiting with me about the conference.  She told me about one of the speakers, Shelia Walsh, and shared her story about realizing she didn’t trust God completely.  How she found herself coming back to the same broken place and asking God WHY do I keep coming back here.  She heard Him ask, do you trust me?  Now she was at the beach during this conversation with God and decided to draw line in the sand to say, demonstrate, and make a picture of being done with going backwards.  So she drew her line in the sand.  I say all of this because hearing this paraphrased story from my neighbor I heard God asking, do you trust me???  and if I am being totally honest, my answer was yes Lord, BUT not completely.  Not with everything, not with some of my super scary things, and I have been hiding hoping You didn’t see or notice.  

Hebrews 4:12-13 (Good News Translation)

¹² The word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword. It cuts all the way through, to where soul and spirit meet, to where joints and marrow come together. It judges the desires and thoughts of the heart. ¹³ There is nothing that can be hid from God; everything in all creation is exposed and lies open before his eyes. And it is to him that we must all give an account of ourselves.

God knew I was hiding and because He is patient, loving, kind, merciful, forgiving, and a comforter He was waiting on me to get out of myself.  He met me this weekend and spoke to me so tenderly about where the disconnect really was, my trust issues, and took me by the hand and showed me how He is going to teach me that He can be trusted. BUT I had to make the first step because faith means ACTION, so yesterday I drew my line!  I will TRUST GOD with EVERYTHING and COMPLETELY.


 

This picture was taken yesterday afternoon and I can’t even begin to tell you all the miracles and blessings that happened by the time I went to bed.  I started the book, Beautiful Things Happen When Woman Trust God by Shelia Walsh and WOW, that is exactly what I saw and felt by the time I was crawling into bed last night.


God is AMAZING and I can’t wait to see where I go from here…



 

Evening Comes

Psalms 103:1-5 (Good News Translation)

Praise the Lord, my soul!  All my being, praise his holy name ² Praise the Lord, my soul, and do not forget how kind he is. ³ He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. ⁴ He keeps me from the grave and blesses me with love and mercy.⁵ He fills my life^[b] with good things, so that I stay young and strong like an eagle.

Oh it has been so long since I have written here and I could give lots of reasons as to why, but I won’t.  I just haven’t for various reasons and at the end of the day they are just excuses if I was being honest.  This summer has been hard!  Being separated is not fun and is super scary.  Mable’s autism is a lot to handle some days and the unknown for her life is super scary.  My niece having a rare brain cancer with 50% chance of survival and seeing the affect it has on my sister, her husband, and their boys is horrible and super scary!  Various other close family & friends struggling with health issues, financial issues and life’s hard times is hard to understand and super scary.  Some days I would like nothing more than to just climb in bed, not encourage others, lend an ear or anything else.  Basically just hide from the world and all the troubles that unfold each day.  If I was being honest some days I do hide, not in bed because having children prevents that from happening, and try to escape my troubles in life.  I have had pity parties for myself and jumped on the band wagon of “I don’t want to” thinking.  However, at the end of the day this is what I remember,

2 Corinthians:3-4 (Good News Translation)

³ Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the merciful Father, the God from whom all help comes!⁴ He helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God.

How can my faith grow if I only have blessings?  How can I be relatable and help others if I have no troubles and sorrows of my own?  How can I show God’s love for me if I am “hiding” from the world? The answer I come to is I can’t be all that God created me to be when I am focused on myself and all the issues that happen in my life.  

Luke 11:33-36 (Good News Translation)

³³ No one lights a lamp and then hides it or puts it under a bowl;^[a] instead, it is put on the lampstand, so that people may see the light as they come in.³⁴ Your eyes are like a lamp for the body. When your eyes are sound, your whole body is full of light; but when your eyes are no good, your whole body will be in darkness.³⁵ Make certain, then, that the light in you is not darkness.³⁶ If your whole body is full of light, with no part of it in darkness, it will be bright all over, as when a lamp shines on you with its brightness.

At the end of the day, I have so much to be grateful for and today is no different!  Today, our precious Phoebe’s MRI came back clear (no tumors) and she continues the fight against AT/RT.  Both of my amazing girls speak and know God’s truth, want to serve, and love being plugged into their church youth group.  God continues to open doors for me to teach them, encourage them, and raise them in His truth on their level of understanding.  I am surrounded by extremely loving, encouraging, and supportive family and friends.  But most of all, God is NEVER out of reach or too busy for me and my troubles.  He is just waiting on me, which is pretty awesome!

So I leave on this note because I am singing when the evening comes :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXDGE_lRI0E&feature=related