Drawing my Line…

Deuteronomy 1:32-33 (Good News Translation)

³² But in spite of what I said, you still would not trust the Lord, ³³ even though he always went ahead of you to find a place for you to camp. To show you the way, he went in front of you in a pillar of fire by night and in a pillar of cloud by day.

Lately I have been asking myself why does it feel like I am standing still and not moving closer to God.  Why does it feel as though my prayers are not being answered?  Why does it feel like life is so scary and uncertain?  I consider myself active in church, pray with my children, try to be a reflection of Jesus and His amazing love, spend time in the Bible, and so on.  It just feels like I hit a wall in some ways.  Now I totally get that feelings are just that FEELINGS.  Joyce Meyer’s posted this the other day on Facebook, “The sooner we learn that feelings are fickle, the better off we are.” Which is so true!  If I let my feelings lead me, man I get into LOTS of trouble!  The past nine months have taught me to trust in God’s promises and truth and not my feelings.  The past nine months have been an amazing journey for my spiritual walk and gratitude just doesn’t seem to be enough for all the blessings in my life.  But now I find myself at a wall, stuck, or standing still.  I have several friends that attended the Women of Faith Conference and honestly I was a little jealous because I couldn’t go.  I desperately knew I needed to get back into that “connection” with God, the kind that women experience while being with other women.  I watched my neighbor leave, but before she left I said I want to hear all about it when you get home!  God is SO AWESOME because she came home and told me all about it and prayers I had been praying just a day before were answered through her visiting with me about the conference.  She told me about one of the speakers, Shelia Walsh, and shared her story about realizing she didn’t trust God completely.  How she found herself coming back to the same broken place and asking God WHY do I keep coming back here.  She heard Him ask, do you trust me?  Now she was at the beach during this conversation with God and decided to draw line in the sand to say, demonstrate, and make a picture of being done with going backwards.  So she drew her line in the sand.  I say all of this because hearing this paraphrased story from my neighbor I heard God asking, do you trust me???  and if I am being totally honest, my answer was yes Lord, BUT not completely.  Not with everything, not with some of my super scary things, and I have been hiding hoping You didn’t see or notice.  

Hebrews 4:12-13 (Good News Translation)

¹² The word of God is alive and active, sharper than any double-edged sword. It cuts all the way through, to where soul and spirit meet, to where joints and marrow come together. It judges the desires and thoughts of the heart. ¹³ There is nothing that can be hid from God; everything in all creation is exposed and lies open before his eyes. And it is to him that we must all give an account of ourselves.

God knew I was hiding and because He is patient, loving, kind, merciful, forgiving, and a comforter He was waiting on me to get out of myself.  He met me this weekend and spoke to me so tenderly about where the disconnect really was, my trust issues, and took me by the hand and showed me how He is going to teach me that He can be trusted. BUT I had to make the first step because faith means ACTION, so yesterday I drew my line!  I will TRUST GOD with EVERYTHING and COMPLETELY.


 

This picture was taken yesterday afternoon and I can’t even begin to tell you all the miracles and blessings that happened by the time I went to bed.  I started the book, Beautiful Things Happen When Woman Trust God by Shelia Walsh and WOW, that is exactly what I saw and felt by the time I was crawling into bed last night.


God is AMAZING and I can’t wait to see where I go from here…



 

Evening Comes

Psalms 103:1-5 (Good News Translation)

Praise the Lord, my soul!  All my being, praise his holy name ² Praise the Lord, my soul, and do not forget how kind he is. ³ He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. ⁴ He keeps me from the grave and blesses me with love and mercy.⁵ He fills my life^[b] with good things, so that I stay young and strong like an eagle.

Oh it has been so long since I have written here and I could give lots of reasons as to why, but I won’t.  I just haven’t for various reasons and at the end of the day they are just excuses if I was being honest.  This summer has been hard!  Being separated is not fun and is super scary.  Mable’s autism is a lot to handle some days and the unknown for her life is super scary.  My niece having a rare brain cancer with 50% chance of survival and seeing the affect it has on my sister, her husband, and their boys is horrible and super scary!  Various other close family & friends struggling with health issues, financial issues and life’s hard times is hard to understand and super scary.  Some days I would like nothing more than to just climb in bed, not encourage others, lend an ear or anything else.  Basically just hide from the world and all the troubles that unfold each day.  If I was being honest some days I do hide, not in bed because having children prevents that from happening, and try to escape my troubles in life.  I have had pity parties for myself and jumped on the band wagon of “I don’t want to” thinking.  However, at the end of the day this is what I remember,

2 Corinthians:3-4 (Good News Translation)

³ Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the merciful Father, the God from whom all help comes!⁴ He helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God.

How can my faith grow if I only have blessings?  How can I be relatable and help others if I have no troubles and sorrows of my own?  How can I show God’s love for me if I am “hiding” from the world? The answer I come to is I can’t be all that God created me to be when I am focused on myself and all the issues that happen in my life.  

Luke 11:33-36 (Good News Translation)

³³ No one lights a lamp and then hides it or puts it under a bowl;^[a] instead, it is put on the lampstand, so that people may see the light as they come in.³⁴ Your eyes are like a lamp for the body. When your eyes are sound, your whole body is full of light; but when your eyes are no good, your whole body will be in darkness.³⁵ Make certain, then, that the light in you is not darkness.³⁶ If your whole body is full of light, with no part of it in darkness, it will be bright all over, as when a lamp shines on you with its brightness.

At the end of the day, I have so much to be grateful for and today is no different!  Today, our precious Phoebe’s MRI came back clear (no tumors) and she continues the fight against AT/RT.  Both of my amazing girls speak and know God’s truth, want to serve, and love being plugged into their church youth group.  God continues to open doors for me to teach them, encourage them, and raise them in His truth on their level of understanding.  I am surrounded by extremely loving, encouraging, and supportive family and friends.  But most of all, God is NEVER out of reach or too busy for me and my troubles.  He is just waiting on me, which is pretty awesome!

So I leave on this note because I am singing when the evening comes :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXDGE_lRI0E&feature=related

Worship

2 Maccabees 1:2-5 (Good News Translation)

² May God be good to you and keep the covenant he made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, his faithful servants.³ May he fill each of you with the desire to worship him and to do his will eagerly with all your heart and soul.⁴ May he enable you to understand his Law and his commands. May he give you peace,⁵ answer your prayers, forgive your sins, and never abandon you in times of trouble. 

For years my definition of worship has been going to church, singing praise songs, and hearing the sermon.  I am learning that while those things are worship, there is a much deeper meaning involved in the act of worship.  It isn’t something I do; it is something God does in me and it is amazing.  It is a heart change, meaning there is not anything I do not praise God for these days.  I praise Him for troubles, I praise Him for blessings, and I find myself praising Him when I don’t even realize I am doing it.  It has become so much a part of me; it is like breathing, it just happens.  When I totally surrendered myself and my desires, basically died to self, and made the choice to only live a life according to God’s Will a change took place.  

Galatians 2:20 (Good News Translation)

²⁰ so that it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. This life that I live now, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave his life for me.

God has been very busy changing me, the list is really endless as I sit here and think about it, so grateful *sigh*  BUT there is still a lot of changing left for Him to do!  Each day I am in awe at how I view things differently, my biggest shock is the desire eat differently and workout!  Shortly after my first few visits with my family Pastor it occurred to me overeating was a sin.  I knew sin broke God’s heart and I had a vision of Him crying from a broken heart because I was not taking care of myself the way He wanted me to.  This does not mean I need to be super model skinny, no wrinkles, or anything else our society tries to communicate to women.  It simply means that I need to be healthy.  I need to eat good for my body food with proper portion sizes and I need to exercise.  There is not a magic number on the scale or all day sweating it out in the gym.  It is a desire to be healthy and taking care of myself so that I am capable of being all God created me to be.  God addressed my eating first; I come from a long family line of food lovers because my sweet grandmother showed us love by cooking.   Food & love became one in the same, which sadly lead to every emotion equaling food.  Eventually all the emotional eating led to being overweight.  Like most women I have done diet after diet.  I have been successful lots of times, but eventually the weight came back.  The real issue was a worshiping issue, meaning a heart issue and God had to deal with it because it was keeping my focus off Him.  Food was my God!  Food was my focus all day long.  God is very clear about having other God’s in my life,

Exodus 20:3-6 (Good News Translation)

³ Worship no god but me.  ⁴ Do not make for yourselves images of anything in heaven or on earth or in the water under the earth.⁵ Do not bow down to any idol or worship it, because I am the Lord your God and I tolerate no rivals. I bring punishment on those who hate me and on their descendants down to the third and fourth generation.⁶ But I show my love to thousands of generations^[a] of those who love me and obey my laws.

The day I had a mental picture of God crying as I ate past the point of being full, sinful behavior, changed me.  I was able to relate to a broken heart because I have suffered from one many times myself.  I don’t wish a broken heart on anyone and certainly do not want to be the cause of one!  I would love to say that I have never overeaten again since then, but that is not the case.  The difference is it is not an everyday, every meal occurrence.  It is very seldom and I am convicted when it does happen.  Living a life according to God’s will is a learning process and I will surely stumble along the way.  The great news is when overeating happens now it is because I am not paying attention.   I no longer look for food to comfort me; I only look to God for comfort these days.  He is the true source of lasting comfort :)

2 Corinthians 1-3 (The Message)

^3-5All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.

For my friends who LOVE to work out and have spent YEARS trying to convince me how wonderful it feels afterwards will know God has worked a miracle in me!  Like most people I have worked out because I knew I needed to, wanted to lose weight, be healthier and so on.  I never enjoyed going, doing, or being done…EVER!  I never felt that rush of greatness or accomplishment when I finished.  I can say I truly HATED every aspect of it completely.  I have gone with friends and I have done it alone, nothing made it more fun.  It is truly a MIRACLE that I actually want to go workout and that I enjoy it too.  I miss it when I am sick or my schedule is filled with appointments and I just can’t make it to the track.  I find myself in pure amazement every time I go to the track and grateful for the change God has done in my heart.  Of course there have been times my old thought patterns have popped up, but instead of giving into the thoughts I pray for God to workout with me.  Before I know it my workout is over, my heart is full of gratitude, and I am totally captivated by God’s presence.  

Daniel 1:8-16 (NIV)

⁸ But Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way. ⁹ Now God had caused the official to show favor and compassion to Daniel, ¹⁰ but the official told Daniel, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your^[a] food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other young men your age? The king would then have my head because of you.”¹¹ Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, ¹² “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. ¹³ Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.” 14 So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.¹⁵ At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food. 16 So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead. 

When I made the choice to take care of my body because I no longer wanted to break God’s heart I had no idea what I was really doing was a form of worshiping and honoring Him.  I can honestly say I have never felt better and I am in awe of all the blessings in my life.  I am so grateful God designed me to have a longing for Him and changed my heart so that all I want to do is glorify Him no matter my circumstances.  Life is good and I am forever grateful for His unconditional love and forgiveness. I am so thankful God is removing all the false God’s in my life. I am finally reliant upon the One who has all the power and who will never leave me or forsake me and loves me unconditionally just as I am.  My life is one hot mess but because of Jesus I have never felt more peace, freedom, contentment and joy in my life!

Love

1 John 4:7-13 (NIV)

⁷ Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. ¹³ This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit.

I have always heard the verse, “love your neighbor as yourself” and taught we should love people.  I have found that I have no problems loving my friends and family that I like, have something in common with, or get along with.  Yup, I am the master at love when it is easy :)  However, I am not the master of love if I am asked to love someone who has hurt me, offended me, rejected me, have nothing in common with or do not really like.  If I was being honest, I really do not want to spend a lot of time with family or friends that I perceive as hurtful.  I want to run the other way and only spend time in my circle of family and friends where it is easy to love and get love in return.  The problem is as I grow in my relationship with God I am learning that is not what God asks me to do.

Matthew 5:43-48 (The Message)

^43-48"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you." 

God is calling me to love the unlovable, the friends and family that I perceive as hurtful.  I have to love them regardless of whether or not they love me in return.  My desire is not to please the person I am loving or try to change them.  My one and only desire is to be pleasing to God and have him change me for His glory and love everyone.  Right now the book I am reading is helping me learn more about loving God’s way.  There have been several sentences that have gotten my attention and had me saying “oh my” and I love that!  While reading this morning this is the sentence that had me saying “oh my”, 

love isn’t about getting others to fill your sense of need.  Jack Miller offers a great definition of what it means to serve one another in love:  “Practically it means to labor to make others successful.” Love involves your effort to help friends, family, and your spouse be successful. (Marriage Matters, Winston T. Smith)  The book goes on to explain we are God’s children and He wants all of us to shine brightly for His glory, not our own glory.  So this morning I find myself asking the question, am I helping others shine for God’s glory or am I taking away their shine?  It is impossible to love the unlovable without God living in me!  When I am not asking God to guide me, help me, teach me, change me, or show me how to respond to family and friends I perceive as hurtful then it is a guarantee I will not respond in love.  When I do not respond in love I run the risk of helping someone shine just a little less and possibly hinder them from being successful. 

Galatians 5:13-15 (The Message)

^13-15It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?

God promises when I do not love other the way He loves me, unconditionally and completely, I will not be all He created me to be and reap the benefits of a God controlled, God centered, God surrendered, God focused, and God dwelling in my heart, mind, and soul life.  My self-centered life and a God Centered life cannot exist together; it has to be one or the other. Last night while at church I heard my pastor, Bill Ramsey, give this word picture; imagine Jesus is walking right next to you as if you are walking with a friend.  Can I just say that if I had Jesus walking next to me as physically as one of my friends, then my life would not be the hot mess it is now!  There is just no way I would have made some of the choices I have made standing right next to Jesus, My Savior.  Honestly, it never even occurred to me to think about Jesus being right next to me even though God’s word is very clear He is with us…*sigh*  The good news is I am growing every day, gaining a clearer understanding of what a God Centered life really means, and how I am supposed to live my life daily.  I am finding that the bottom line of a God Centered life is to love and forgive unconditionally.  

Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

 ²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Pastor Bill Ramsey quoted this verse and reminded us that there is not one law created to prevent us from living a life that is God Centered.  All the commandments and laws are for us sinners who make the choice to live a self-centered life, a life fulfilling the flesh.  AMAZING, again something else that never occurred to me.  I have never been told hey you love and forgive me too much and we can’t be friends!

When you get to this point I would like to ask you to please pray for me, pray God continues to show me how to live a God Centered life, that He gives me the strength, grace, and mercy to live each day in the moment, that I be a true reflection of Him. For me to help anyone that crosses my path be successful in giving Him all the glory.  Thank you for lifting me up in prayer.

Sidewalk Prophets: Live Like That

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwZsywhXDg8

Grammy

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my grandmother, Mable Kate aka Grammy, and missing her these days.  Her death left a big hole in my life, one that to this day I struggle with.  I don’t struggle with her death because I know she is with Jesus and that brings me great joy, happiness, and peace.  I struggle with her absence in my daily life.  I struggle because my daughter’s will never know her; they were toddlers when she died.  I struggle because she was my safe haven, my comforter, my cheerleader, my role model, the one who I loved spending time with doing nothing, and so on.  The list is very long for how she fit into my life and it is still very noticeable that she is not in my life almost ten years later.  When I was with her I felt like I was home and it was amazing.  Grammy was a woman who was loved by anyone and everyone that met her.  At her funeral so many people told our family about how they felt so special in her presence even if they only met her once.  She had that gift about her, you felt like you were the only one in the room and no one was more important than you right then and there.  Just about every one of my favorite memories includes her and I cherish them more now than ever.  I am not surprised she has been on my mind and heart a lot lately.  I generally find myself missing her when I am in some sort of storm in my life because I miss her advice, her comfort and her unconditional love that reassured me everything will be ok and work out.  She had no way of knowing the future but she had a gift of helping me feel better no matter what the outcome might be and I trusted her that it would all work out somehow.  For me she was a concrete in the flesh visual for how I imagine God in my life.  Some days I need the reminder of how hands on God’s love for me really is and all that He wants for my life.  Other days my faith is enough.  

2 Corinthians 5:7 (NIV)

⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I would love to say I feel God’s presence all the time, I feel His love and acceptance all the time, that He is physically present in my life daily, but I do not. I am aware feelings are just that, feelings. They are not based in Truth.  Feelings come and go and they can not be the basis for our relationship with God.  I am learning who God is and about His love for me.  I have faith in His word and His promises.  I believe He sent Jesus to have a relationship with me.  So I have faith in Him even though I do not see or physically feel him every day and moment of my life .  It is hard to comprehend God completely and understand just how much He really loves me.  I know and I believe He loves me way more than Grammy ever could.  He desires to fill all the holes her death has left in me.  He desires to be my all and meet all my needs.  He desires me to come running to Him with open arms with all of me and hear all about my day.   He desires me to love Him completely with everything I have. 

Deuteronomy 6:5 (NIV)

⁵ Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

It is a MUST that I love Him even more than I loved Grammy.  Grammy was so amazing because God lived through her, she was a true reflection of God’s love and we were all blessed because of it.  As I learn more and settle in more confidently about God, I know He is there and waiting for me just like Grammy used to be. I am grateful God blessed me with such a wonderful grandmother, for me there is no one better than her. I am thankful He knew I would need a visual on hard days and put such a beautiful reflection of himself in my life for me to cherish and remember.   I love that when I think about her I see God and that gives me comfort right now.  One day I am going to see Jesus and He is my #1 to meet for sure, but be rest assured seeing my sweet Grammy will be my #2 :)

I end this with two song links, one for my sweet Grammy and the other for My Precious Savior.

As always, I am a super blessed and grateful girl!  I have LOTS to be thankful for in my life.

Homesick:  Mercy Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY&feature=related

Here with Me:  Mercy Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74CNUExD4I8&feature=related

Total Surrender isn’t Easy

For some reason I thought once I turned my life over to God it would be easier.  I am not saying I thought I would never have days of trouble, sorrow, or hard times.  I just thought they would be easier to walk through or experience.  Right now I am going through the hardest times I have ever experienced in my life and I am doing it with God.  In the past I have done life believing in God but not WITH Him on a daily basis.  Meaning I was not seeking Him and doing what He wanted.  I just believed He sent Jesus to save me and doing whatever I wanted to do or felt was right.

Matthew 11:28-30 (Good News Translation)

²⁸ Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest.²⁹ Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest.³⁰ For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.

I read this verse and I think , ummmm this load I am carrying right now sure does not feel very light, in fact it is quite HEAVY.  I find myself questioning this verse and what it really means because I am obviously missing something.  I know God doesn’t change and He follows through on ALL His promises.  So it has to be me that is the issue.  So I start with the actual definition of yoke.

Yoke:

noun

1. a device for joining together a pair of draft animals, especially oxen, usually consisting of a crosspiece with two bow-shaped pieces, each enclosing the head of an animal. Compare harness ( def. 1 ) .

2. a pair of draft animals fastened together by a yoke: five yoke of oxen.

3. something resembling a yoke or a bow of a yoke in form or use.

4. a frame fitting the neck and shoulders of a person, for carrying a pair of buckets or the like, one at each end.

5. an agency of oppression, subjection, servitude, etc.

EXPAND

verb (used with object)

21. to put a yoke on; join or couple by means of a yoke.

22. to attach (a draft animal) to a plow or vehicle: to yoke oxen.

23. to harness a draft animal to (a plow or vehicle): to yoke a wagon.

24. to join, couple, link, or unite.

25. Obsolete . to bring into subjection or servitude.

26. to be or become joined, linked, or united.

The verse says, “take my yoke and put it on you” but obviously there is no physical device to join me to Jesus.  The reality of it is still very true, I must join, attach, link, unite and so on myself to Jesus.  Until I am willing to surrender to Jesus it does not matter how attached I am to Him or believe in Him.

Surrender:

1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.

2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.

3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.

4. to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).

5. to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.

I have always had a love for horses and I think they are magical. I am grateful we have always had them for me to love on and cherish.   I remember taking riding lessons when I was 12-ish and being put on a horse named Muffin.  Muffin was not the horse you EVER wanted to be on for a lesson.  She was great for walking around, eating grass, and doing things she liked doing.  When she knew it was lesson time the closer I got to the ring the more she bucked.  I began to dread lesson times because I knew I was in for some serious bucking and knew a battle would have to happen before the learning and lesson ever could.  I am thankful I always won that battle and she never bucked me off.  I am also thankful that I learned how to stay on a horse while it was bucking.  I would love to say that I have never fallen off a horse but sadly that is not the case.  Although I have never been bucked off, I have actually fallen off for various things most of which had to do with an error on my end.  Stories for another time :)  Muffin had to learn to surrender to what I wanted her to do.  Until she did we were in a battle.  The battle could have hurt either one of us.  There was no time frame for how long Muffin would buck, but eventually she went to the ring and we did the lesson every time.  This is how I feel like my relationship with God is right now.  I am Muffin and I am bucking in a lot of areas in my life because I do not want to surrender to God’s will.  I wouldn’t say I don’t want to because I do, I honestly do.  It is more like I don’t know how to completely surrender.  For me I am finding that letting go of my plans, thoughts, feelings, desires, and the “me me me” is HARD!  Just when I think I have it down another “me” event or thought happens.  Muffin had to realize that I was in charge and she was going to do what I wanted/asked her to do.  The same is true with God; this is the requirement for everlasting peace, joy, and freedom He promises.  I have to realize He is in charge and I have to do what He asks me to do and until I do I am in for the battle of my life, the battle FOR my life.  He will battle for me because He loves me.  His desire is eternity with me and not to make me happy for just today. 

Luke 19:23-24 (Good News Translation)

²³ And he said to them all,  If you want to come with me, you must forget yourself, take up your cross every day, and follow me.²⁴ For if you want to save your own life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life for my sake, you will save it.

This is the “yoke” part of the verse.  Until I am willing to forget myself EVERY DAY and surrender  to God DAILY there is no way the last part of the verse, “³⁰ For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light” will be possible.  It is scary to say no matter what happens in my life I am going to follow God.  It is scary not because God is scary, but because it is unknown.  For me it is so easy for fear to lurk in the unknown.  Taking each day moment by moment and one day at a time is hard, but thinking about the future is harder!  The future is unknown and when I think about it fear can set in.  God knows this and that is why He says,

Matthew 6:33-34 (Good News Translation)

³³ Instead, be concerned above everything else with the Kingdom of God and with what he requires of you, and he will provide you with all these other things.³⁴ So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.

I love that He says INSTEAD, for me this is huge because He knows my heart, fears, worries, and everything in between about me.  He tells me INSTEAD of worrying about the unknown be concerned or focused on Him and what He requires of me.  What He requires from me is the forgetting about “me” and only living for Him.  I am learning how to live for only Him and leave myself out of the mix and there are lots of days I do not think I am very successful and get discouraged.  Living for God is a life long learning process. It is so important to have other Christ followers in my life to encourage me during this journey of new life.  Some days I feel like I am in the middle of the lake drowning, crying for help, and so caught up in my stuff that I do not realize if I just put my feet down I can touch the bottom of the lake and stand up.  My family and friends are always there screaming from the side, “you can touch the bottom, stand up” and cheering me on.  I am grateful and blessed for sure :)  God is the bottom, He is the solid foundation, He is all knowing, and He loves me way more than I love myself.  He is never guided by false feelings, temporary emotions, or surrounding circumstances.  God knew I would not be perfect in my relationship with Him.  He knew I would struggle and need LOTS of help.  Thankfully, He provided the perfect example and the perfect sacrifice, Jesus,  so I could just be me.  The me that struggles, but has the true desire to only live a life God called me to live.  The me that wants nothing more than to be pleasing to Him and stand before Him and hear “Well Done good and faithful one”.  So today I joyfully say,

Psalm 139:23-24 (Good News Translation)

²³ Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover my thoughts. ²⁴ Find out if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.^[b]

This testing and examining period is hard.  It is not easy and actually it is painful on some days.  There are lots of tears for sure.  But the reward is a true, total surrendered life with Jesus and the promise of eternity.  How awesome is that!  What could be a better reward than eternity with God…NOTHING!  

Casting Crowns:  Praise you in this storm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ&feature=related

One Day at a Time

Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

³⁴"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

I love Tuesdays!  Tuesday is the days I meet with our family Pastor, my Godly tutor, as I like to call him.   These times are precious to me and I am grateful for every moment.  Yesterday in our time together we discussed my previous post about fear and how I got to the point I got to.  Let me just say, I got ahead of myself!  I worried about future events which put me in “self” focus mode and not in “God” focus mode.  What I learned was when I am focusing on myself it creates static on the line and I can’t hear God quite as clearly.  It reaffirmed my previous post about God didn’t change, He was still there and I was the one who changed the connection.  During our conversation my pastor spoke truth as in God’s truth which can be backed up in scripture.  That is how you know it is truth, it can be found in the Bible and if it can’t then it is not truth, period!  While he was talking to me all I could think about was how Jesus spent his time before he actually was hung on the cross.

Mark 15:16-20 (Good News Translation)

¹⁶ The soldiers took Jesus inside to the courtyard of the governor's palace and called together the rest of the company.¹⁷ They put a purple robe on Jesus, made a crown out of thorny branches, and put it on his head.¹⁸ Then they began to salute him: Long live the King of the Jews!¹⁹ They beat him over the head with a stick, spat on him, fell on their knees, and bowed down to him.²⁰ When they had finished making fun of him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes back on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.

I thought wow, how can I be in a “poor me” state knowing how Jesus spent His last days on Earth.  Jesus led a perfect life!  He knew how his final days were going to end.

Matthew 26:39 (NIV)

³⁹ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

There are so many days I find myself praying for God to please take this burden from me.  It is hard to pray the very important last part of the prayer, not my will, but YOUR WILL be done.  It is so hard to stay God focused when storms pop up in my life.  It is hard to trust God with the things I do not understand.  It is hard to trust God when I feel like I can fix the problem myself.  I have realized I can live in today and in each moment when it comes to my daughter Mable.  She is autistic, she is considered a flight risk because she flees at any given moment, she likes to eat and drink things that are dangerous, and she is extremely impulsive.  She seems to get the weird medical things and our Pediatrician jokes about us living under some strange star.  There have been times in my life where I have thought, “wow can we just go to the doctor and hear you child has the flu or strep?”  Why does just about everything she seems to get have to be researched and talked about with a team of other doctors?  Here is just one example; Mable battled hives for about 1.5 years.  I mean head to toe covered in itchy red spots not one clear patch of skin on her body; it was horrible to watch her suffer.  When she had a hives outbreak her hands, feet, sometimes legs, and lips turned blue.  Yes, I said blue!  I will never forget the day I asked our doctor,” how blue does she need to be before I take her to the ER?”  Thankfully, hives went away as mysteriously as they appeared.  The blueness however stuck around.  She was a tad blue just today *sigh*  I say all of this to point out I realized many years ago that Mable’s issues were way too big for me to fix, worry about, or deal with.  I have to take each day as it comes, each moment as it comes, and deal with the day as it unfolds.  Anything else will drive me insane.  It is not hard to trust God to handle Mable’s issues and give me the grace to survive them. 

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NIV)

⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Right now I feel very pressed on every side!  I am holding on to God’s promise I will not be destroyed and I am learning to take each day as it unfolds in all areas of my life and not just in how I care for Mable.  It is hard to wait on God and it is hard to be patient.

Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (NIV)

It is a daily choice I make even though it is hard and some days it seems impossible to wait and trust God.  I make the choice because I believe God loves me and only wants the best for me.  I believe His promises and He already gave the ultimate gift for me, Jesus.  A gift I do not deserve or have earned,nor will I ever.  It is a gift I accept and I am very grateful for!  Anything else is extra at this point, the tissue paper, bow or wrapping ;)

Isaiah 40:28-31(NIV)

²⁸ Do you not know?  Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. ²⁹ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. ³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; ³¹ but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  

I am so grateful for God’s love and willingness to renew my strength.  I am grateful I have a family that speaks truth to me even when I don’t want to hear it.  I am grateful our family pastor is willing to grow my faith and help me learn how to be the woman God created me to be.  I am grateful that even though I feel weak and the past couple of weeks have been very hard, I am not crushed.  I have hope in God, I have peace from God, I have grace from God, and I have mercy from God.  Most of all I am grateful I have acceptance and love from God.  Knowing I don’t have to be perfect is a pretty freeing place to be right now.  I love that God knows my heart and my true desires to be only pleasing to Him and what He calls me to do.  I love that He already knows I will make mistakes while learning how to hear Him and it is a lifelong process to become a mature Christ Follower.  I am grateful for His promises to work all things for His good.  Not my good, HIS GOOD!

Romans 8:25-30(Good News Translation)

²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.²⁶ In the same way the Spirit also comes to help us, weak as we are. For we do not know how we ought to pray; the Spirit himself pleads with God for us in groans that words cannot express.²⁷ And God, who sees into our hearts, knows what the thought of the Spirit is; because the Spirit pleads with God on behalf of his people and in accordance with his will. ²⁸ We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him,^[a] those whom he has called according to his purpose.²⁹ Those whom God had already chosen he also set apart to become like his Son, so that the Son would be the first among many believers.³⁰ And so those whom God set apart, he called; and those he called, he put right with himself, and he shared his glory with them.

I am grateful I can ALWAYS find God, call out to Him, and He is there ready and waiting to listen.

This is the song I have clung to this week

Kari Jobe: Find you on my knees

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K66ZL7NX

Ambushed

I started blogging about my journey because I felt I was being lead to share my thoughts, but it can be a tad nerve racking at times because I feel vulnerable.  Being open in a public format is hard when all you want to be is invisible. Don’t get me wrong, I do hope others who read this blog are encouraged and blessed in whatever situation they find themselves going through.   I also know God’s purpose for me is not to be invisible.  

Luke 11:33-35 (NIV)

³³ “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. ³⁴ Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy,^[a] your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy,^[b] your body also is full of darkness. ³⁵ See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.

At the beginning of this journey I felt GREAT; even in the rough patches I still experienced peace.  The best way to describe it is like a Jesus high :)  During this time period I felt untouchable, like anything was possible!  Like children who really believe they can fly… invincible.  It is an amazing feeling and exactly what I needed at the time.  For the past week I have felt peace, but the overwhelming presence of God seemed to be missing.  I know God is ALWAYS with me, He is ALWAYS available, and He is ALWAYS present.  Some days I am better with feeling/hearing Him than others. Faith is a verb, meaning it requires action.  I am actively learning how to have faith and have an intimate relationship with God.  It does not happen overnight and it is a process.  

2 Corinthians 4:13-18 (Good News Translation)

¹³ The scripture says, I spoke because I believed. In the same spirit of faith we also speak because we believe.¹⁴ We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus to life, will also raise us up with Jesus and take us, together with you, into his presence.¹⁵ All this is for your sake; and as God's grace reaches more and more people, they will offer to the glory of God more prayers of thanksgiving.¹⁶ For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day.¹⁷ And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble.¹⁸ For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts forever.

What I did not prepare myself for was how to handle the troubled times when I was not feeling so close to God.  Not because God changed, but because I changed.  For a brief moment, I took my focus off God and looked at my surroundings and I started to spiral down.

Matthew 14:28-31 (Good News Translation)

²⁸ Then Peter spoke up. Lord, if it is really you, order me to come out on the water to you. ²⁹Come! answered Jesus. So Peter got out of the boat and started walking on the water to Jesus.³⁰ But when he noticed the strong wind, he was afraid and started to sink down in the water. Save me, Lord! he cried. ³¹ At once Jesus reached out and grabbed hold of him and said, What little faith you have! Why did you doubt?

I would LOVE to say I cried out “save me Lord”, but I did not.  Instead I allowed myself to stay in fear and open the door for Satan, father of lies.

1 Peter 5:8-9 (Good News Translation)

⁸ Be alert, be on watch! Your enemy, the Devil, roams around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.⁹ Be firm in your faith and resist him, because you know that other believers in all the world are going through the same kind of sufferings.

The past week I found myself so wrapped up in fear that life seemed to just stop.  Not actually stop because that is not possible, but mentally I felt frozen, like I couldn’t move past my fear.  Right now my life is very scary, there is not one place where fear couldn’t live and grow wildly.  Sadly, instead of relying on God to comfort me and trust His promises, I let lies torture me.  I allowed myself to dwell in the very place I have no control over, fear of the unknown.  God calls me to TRUST Him completely with EVERYTHING, not just the little things but the BIG things too.  The big bad scary things!  Nothing is too big for God and nothing is a surprise for Him either. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  ⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

So even though I have allowed myself to briefly live in fear, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that MY God, MY Savior is standing with me in this storm.  I have now cried out “Save me Lord” and like He promised, it was immediate.   

Psalms 30:11-12 (Good News Translation)

¹¹ You have changed my sadness into a joyful dance; you have taken away my sorrow and surrounded me with joy.¹² So I will not be silent; I will sing praise to you.  Lord, you are my God; I will give you thanks forever.

During this time I have found out why it is extremely important to have other Christ followers in my life.  I am so grateful I am surrounded by so many people who are willing to help me climb out of the hole of lies I allowed myself to live in.  I am grateful I have people I can turn to no matter what time of day or night to talk me off a ledge and speak God’s Truth to me.  I am grateful God takes me back right where I am and reminds me how much He loves me.  I am grateful for a lot more things than I am in fear of these days.  I am grateful for God’s love, grace, and mercy that wash over me when I cry out “SAVE ME Lord”.

Psalms 62:5-8 (Good News Translation)

⁵ I depend on God alone; I put my hope in him.  ⁶ He alone protects and saves me; he is my defender,
  and I shall never be defeated. ⁷ My salvation and honor depend on God; he is my strong protector;
  he is my shelter.  ⁸ Trust in God at all times, my people.  Tell him all your troubles, for he is our refuge.