The Lord
is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and He helped me.
~Psalms 28:7
What a difference a week makes, it is so hard for me to
believe just one week ago I was sobbing on the phone to my parents late at
night about how desperate I felt, how hard this season of my life is right now,
and how I just needed them to pray for me.
Our conversation was filled with tears on both ends and a sense of
helplessness as parents. I know they
felt helpless on how to help me through this and I felt helpless on how to help
Mable through this season. All of us
parents, yet clinging to the hope and promise God gives us through His Word. Psalms 28:7 is one of my favorite scriptures
because I find myself needing the reminder He is my strength because
without Him I have none! He is my
shield because without Him I will surely be crushed. My heart trusts in Him because He
LOVES me and has MY BEST interest in mind.
He helps me in EVERY situation because He will NEVER forsake
me. I am just like everyone else and my
life gets messy, I make a lot of mistakes and suffer the consequences of my
poor choices most of the time. As an
adult and someone who believes Jesus is my Savior, I understand I cannot live
my life without Him. I understand I am
filled with a sinful nature and it takes a relationship with Jesus to navigate
this life. I accept being an adult and
all that goes with it BUT where life gets hard is when I have to watch my
children struggle. I know they are not
immune to struggles any more than I am or anyone else. I know struggles will help teach them and
mold them, provide opportunities for them to learn about Jesus, and provide me
opportunities to model a life surrendered to God. Where I tend to get stuck is when it comes to
Mable because I don’t have the slightest idea of what it is like to be
autistic! Yes, I have learned how to
help her cope, I have learned how to quickly scan a room for triggers, and I
have learned how to structure our lives for her to feel as safe as
possible. I have done a lot of learning
over the years, yet still feel like I am only at the beginning of this learning curve. Last Spring Mable started struggling with a
compulsive issue, think of people who have to wash their hands so many times before stopping or
Sheldon from Big Bang Theory who has to knock on the door three times, but the
problem is her compulsive issues are her imaginary friends. She would think someone took her journal that
didn’t exist, her tail is stuck, her gloves came off, Sponge Bob is chasing her
with his spatula, etc. At first I could
ask, “how can I help you”? and she could give me a series of steps to solve the
problem but over time no amount of steps would make the problem better. During this time I also found out she needed
to have one of her mood stabilizers removed due to it raising other levels in
her body. So the chase began, chasing
compulsive issues and mood stabilizers. I knew a long road was ahead of me because of her history but I pressed
on with prayer, guidance from her psychiatrist, friends, and family. I have used essential oils, I have tried
various medicines, and prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. All of this led to the events of last weekend, a
mood stabilizer that made my sweet, loving girl violent. Since the mood stabilizer starts out slowly
the violence started out slowly as well.
It is not uncommon for autistic children to cause harm during a melt
down and Mable is no exception to that rule.
Over the years she has bit people, kicked, scratched, etc. in her school
setting; however, she has never done those things to me. She has always clung to me to feel safe, to
reassure her, to love her…it was so
difficult to suddenly become the target of her raging behavior! Yet, there I was in the middle of her out of
control storm standing on one side of her door while she stood on the other
side hurling things at me. I would shut
the door when she threw something or lunged at me but always open it again once
the moment passed and reassure her she was not alone in this storm. The back of her bedroom door looks like a war
zone, her room equally as bad and both of us with bruises and cuts from the all
day long battle. Last Saturday, is a
day I will never forget because I have never felt so helpless in my life! There I was helpless to help my sweet girl
who was in such a desperate time in her life.
All I had was prayer, all I had was my Psalms 28:7 scripture verse, all
I had was all the promises I knew God gives in His word! As the event unfolded I was reminded of ideas
and suggestions that had been given to me earlier in the week, which is exactly
what I need to help keep Mable safe in that moment. I also had God’s peace wrapped around me as
tightly as a winter coat, I could feel it all over me as if I was in the middle
of a snow storm and being kept warm. It
certainly was beyond my understanding because NOTHING in this episode was
peaceful. We were both fighting for our
lives! Mable was fighting the raging,
imaginary monsters in her head and I was fighting to keep both of us safe as she
found the latest object to cause damage.
Eventually it ended, both of us sweating, worn out and minimally
hurt. As she moved throughout the rest
of the day, I worked to ensure her room would be safe for both of us which
meant basically an empty bedroom for Mable.
Her room only has a bed and dresser right now until I know this season has passed! The episodes the rest of the day were better
because the only dangerous item left, who knew kids toys could become weapons!,
was her own body. Thankfully, bedtime
came and a much needed breakdown! I am
so grateful I have an amazing family & friends because I am not sure how I
would make it without them. I really have
a long list of people I can call and hear encouraging words, get support, or
whatever I need. I am blessed and not a
day goes by that I am unaware of how blessed I am. Most of the time I don’t NEED anyone to do
anything, I don’t NEED action from others very often because most don’t know
how to help Mable in her time of need, but what I do NEED often is just someone
to listen to my tears without judgment. It’s
hard being the parent of a special needs child and it is a lifelong job. It’s a job where feelings of failure happen
quite often, judgment from others, feeling alone, dreams of grown
children and all that come from grown children (i.e. college, marriage, grandchildren)
get crushed, etc. Life is suddenly
changed with a diagnosis of special needs, no matter what that diagnosis may
be, life for your child will never be as you dreamed it would be BUT it can also be better than you ever thought possible too. I do worry about her future, her care, her life but I put all that worry in God's hands because He knows exactly what she needs and when she needs it. For the record, I adore Mable! If God had given me the option whether to be
her mom or not, I would have chosen this life with her all over again in a
heartbeat. The joy she brings my life,
the lessons I have learned, the perspective I have, the patience I have, the
parent I am today is because of her. She
has added more to my life than I could ever imagine. As I sit here tonight, reflecting on how
drastically different this weekend was to last weekend, I can’t help but to
hold onto
Isaiah 43:2-3 (NIV)
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you; and when you pass
through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not
set you ablaze. 3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel,
your Savior…
I am grateful I have a Lord and Savior who
is ALWAYS with me and will carry me THROUGH every event in my life. I am also so thankful for the calmness we
enjoyed this weekend. Mable is still
struggling with her compulsive issues and we are still trying to figure out the
next step on how to help her, but the violence is gone! My sweet, loving, giggling girl is back :)
Today as we watched Gateway Live, Mable
said “that is my song!”
All He Says I Am – Gateway Worship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDFqLnL0Sa-WE&v=FqLnL0Sa-WE
