“break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet”

(lyrics from Big Daddy Weave, love come to life)

John 12:27 (NIV)

²⁷ “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.

I have been wrestling for a couple of days now with what exactly I am supposed to journal about, meaning what exactly is God working on right now in me.  I have wrestled with loving God’s way, being patient like God asks me to be, and how heavy my heart feels these days.  I can say I used to believe that a “quiet time” with God meant I would be uplifted, refueled, and a sense of lightness throughout my day so to speak.  Do not get me wrong, I have certainly had quiet times with God where I feel exactly like this and I love it :)  This past week, however, my quiet times have been more of a cry fest.  I feel like I have a front row seat to all of my bad choices in life where God was not the focus, but instead I was the focus.  Where the point of me doing something was to gain it for my satisfaction no matter what that meant for another person.  To break it down I have a front row seat watching the lifetime movie with me in control.  Believe me, IT IS NOT PRETTY!  I am not saying that God is beating me up with every bad choice I have ever made in my life, GOD DOES NOT DO THAT!  What I am saying is that I have been asking God to change my heart, to make my heart clean, to show me who I have been destructive to, and anything else that will prevent me from living my life according to His will.  I do not EVER, EVER, EVER want to be in charge of me again.  Without God I am destructive, selfish, hurtful, and make poor choices.  I have no desire to repeat this part of history again.  Please hear me when I say, I know I have also been a good, kind, and loving person as well and I plan on growing these qualities with God’s help. 

Psalms 119:29-30 (Good News Translation)

²⁹ Keep me from going the wrong way, and in your goodness teach me your law. ³⁰ I have chosen to be obedient; I have paid attention to your judgments.

I remember a time I asked my daughter not to touch my hot flat iron.  Of course, curiosity got the best of her because she did not trust I knew better than her and touched it.  She cried and cried from just a quick touch.  The place on her little finger hurt for a few days and eventually healed. My heart broke for my sweet girl who was in pain and hurting.  My heart broke because she didn’t trust me enough to not touch it.  My heart broke every time I saw the little red spot on her finger until it healed and my heart breaks when I think about what she went through. Why?  Because I never want to see my children hurt or in harm’s way.  I love my children more than I could ever express completely.   How many times has God asked me not to do something because He knew better than me?  TONS!!!  How many times did I think I knew better than God?  TONS!!!!  Where does that put me today, crying A LOT because those choices have caused me pain in the long run.  That is the nature of bad choices, quick enjoyment at first but pain in the long run.  After my daughter burned her finger we put medicine on it and put a band-aide on it.  Just like I took care of her finger, God is taking care of my heart.  I was tender, loving, and gentle when I cared for my daughter’s finger because I love her and she is precious to me.  In the same way, God has been very gentle with me while showing me exactly what I have looked like all these years to Him.  If God does not show me the error of my ways, then how can I be positive I will ever do something different?  Sometimes pain is a good motivator to change, sometimes I have to suffer the bad consequences of my choices, and sometimes the healing process is not fun.  The good news is that just like my daughter’s finger healed, I too will be healed and made into God’s image.

1 John 1:5-10 (The Message)

⁵This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there's not a trace of darkness in him.^6-7If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth—we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin.^8-10If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.

As much as I am not enjoying the purging of all my wrongdoing’s in my life, I will continue to pray for God to “break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet”.  I know that my daughter will NEVER touch a hot flat iron again because of the painful process she went through to heal and  learn I was right all along.  I so wish I would have listened to God and knew He was right all along so I didn’t have to go through all the pain of healing.  I am thankful that God is working in me so that one day when people see me they see Him.

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,²³ humility, and self-control.

Until then I will gladly sing this song by Big Daddy Weave:

Love Come To Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOVF634y6-Y

Change My Heart

Ezekiel 36:26-27 (Good News Translation)

²⁶ I will give you a new heart and a new mind. I will take away your stubborn heart of stone and give you an obedient heart.²⁷ I will put my spirit in you and will see to it that you follow my laws and keep all the commands I have given you.

Friends and family ask me on a regular basis, “how are you doing?” and the only answer I seem to have is I am conflicted.  I feel like I am all over the place, but in a good way.  I feel like I have a battle going on inside me, but in a good way.  I feel like my thoughts are battling each other, but in a good way. 

Romans 7:14-25 (The Message)

^14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. ^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. ^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.  ²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?  ²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. 

 I spend a lot of my time praying and asking God to change my heart and mind because I know He is the only one that can.  I surely have tried for years to be better, love deeper, and forgive more.  I am not saying I haven’t been a good person because I have been.  What I am saying is I have not been all that God designed me to be.  I have not loved how God designed me to love and I have not forgiven the way God designed me to forgive.  I CANNOT do any of these things without God living inside me.  The ONLY way I can do anything that God designed me to do is through the Holy Spirit.  Think of it like this, when we are lost most of us use a navigation system of some sort.  We can use maps but most of us prefer the lady telling us to “turn right” or if you are like me saying, “rerouting”!  The Bible is the map so to speak and the Holy Spirit is the navigation system voice telling us where to go.  If you have the volume down on your navigation system then you can miss much needed information.  If you are distracted chatting with a friend, spouse, or kids then you can also miss the much needed information.  For the navigation to be most effective you have to be paying attention and listening for her voice.  The Holy Spirit works in the same way!  If I have the volume down, meaning I am not in God’s word and in constant prayer, then I can’t hear Him.  If I am distracted with life and my surroundings, then I miss His voice.  The Holy Spirit is the most effective when I am focused on God and His desires for my life.  I must be active in my part of this relationship.  Just like before I leave the house I make sure I have all the “must have” items to make it through my day, I MUST, MUST, MUST make sure I invite God to be a part of my day.  I must turn up the volume of God to be as loud as it will go so I am not lost navigating through my daily life.  I am finding that I must be constantly talking to God throughout my day because the “old me” so desperately wants to take control.  I have already proven to myself, SEVERAL TIMES, that me in control produces one hot mess!  I am in constant praise of gratitude that I do have a Savior who is more than capable and WILLING to save me from ME.  

Psalms 104:33-34 (Good News Translation)

³³ I will sing to the Lord all my life; as long as I live I will sing praises to my God. ³⁴ May he be pleased with my song, for my gladness comes from him.

I love that He is willing to “reroute” me when I get off track and bring me right back into His presence.  When I am struggling I love to listen to this song,

Change This Heart – Sidewalk Prophets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YTZq37OpMw

Interceding

Romans 8:27 (NIV)

²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Romans 8:27 (Good News Translation)

²⁷ And God, who sees into our hearts, knows what the thought of the Spirit is; because the Spirit pleads with God on behalf of his people and in accordance with his will.

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

I have three different versions of Romans 8:27 because I couldn’t decide which one was the easiest to understand.  So you get all three tonight and hopefully one of them will speak to you :)

Have you ever been frustrated because you can’t communicate your heart and how you feel to someone?  I find myself having a hard time expressing myself these days because I am a hot mess and apparently have no clue what the true definition of words happen to be.  I use words and phrases of what I think they mean only to have the person on the other end think something WAY different than what I am trying to say.  It can be downright frustrating and most of the time I end up in tears.  Side note for those of you who may be reading this and don’t actually know me, I am a huge cry baby!  I cry when I am happy, sad, thankful, grateful, joyful…you name it and I cry about it *sigh*  Anyways, I get so mad at myself for not being able to express how my heart feels and I can easily go into “beat myself up” mode.  Today as I was praying I realized how thankful I am that God knows my heart.  He knows EXACTLY what I am trying to say and I don’t have to have all the right words to say it because the Hold Spirit is interceding on my behalf.

Psalm 139:1-6 (Good News Translation)
Lord, you have examined me and you know me.    ² You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts.  ³ You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions.
 ⁴ Even before I speak, you already know what I will say.  ⁵ You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power. ⁶ Your knowledge of me is too deep; it is beyond my understanding.

I am grateful to know that I have been washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit and that I have a new life.  It is so wonderful to know and feel I am no longer in charge of me because if I was being honest I sure have not been doing a very good job!  I have fired myself for POOR productivity and not following the operations manual ;)  I have never been so relieved to be fired in my life!  It truly is an AMAZING place to be daily.

Titus 3:3-8 (The Message)

^3-8It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.

So tonight I end my thoughts as a blessed girl who is LOVED so much by her Heavenly Father that he sent His only son for me so that I may have a relationship with Him.  AND that I don’t have to be a walking dictionary to talk to Him ;)  I can just be me, one hot mess!

John 3:16 (NIV)

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Hard Times

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (Good News Translation)

³ Let us give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the merciful Father, the God from whom all help comes!⁴ He helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God.⁵ Just as we have a share in Christ's many sufferings, so also through Christ we share in God's great help.⁶ If we suffer, it is for your help and salvation; if we are helped, then you too are helped and given the strength to endure with patience the same sufferings that we also endure.⁷ So our hope in you is never shaken; we know that just as you share in our sufferings, you also share in the help we receive.

Why is it we think if we are a Christian it means we won’t have hard times, struggle, or experience sadness in our lives?  I find myself in the hardest time of my life and I have had more sad days then I would like to think about.  I am currently separated from my husband, my two year old niece has brain cancer, and I worry about how all of this will affect my twin girls.  My life is far from easy or happy right now, yet as I draw closer to my Savior I am overwhelmed with peace, joy and freedom!  I can’t even begin to express in words how it feels exactly.  I find myself joyful!  I can tell you that I spend my days looking forward to being in God’s Word, singing in my kitchen songs of praise, and feeling over whelmed by the peace I have during this storm.  

Psalm 29:11 (Good News Translation)

¹¹ The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Isaiah 41:13 (Good News Translation)

¹³ I am the Lord your God; I strengthen you and tell you, Do not be afraid; I will help you. 

I am not saying that God is a genie in a bottle and will solve all my problems like I want Him to.  Because I do not know if my marriage will work out, I do not know if my niece will survive brain cancer, and I do not know what affect all of this will have on my girls.  What I know is that I have a Savior who is willing to comfort me IF I seek Him.  See God gave me free will and I can do whatever I want; however, that can come at a price.  If I make the choice to not follow His ways, then I will suffer the consequences of my own will.  How many times have you asked your child not to do something that you know will cause them harm only to have them do it anyways?  Do you love them less because they didn’t listen? Did you remind them of what you said because you didn’t want them to get hurt?  Our Father loves us no matter what!  Our consequences are gentle reminders of what He tells us not to do for our own good.  He is the Creator and this is His story,

Isaiah 41:4 (Good News Translation)

⁴ Who was it that made this happen? Who has determined the course of history?  I, the Lord, was there at the beginning, and I, the Lord, will be there at the end.

When I make the choice to seek Him, be obedient to His word, and live my daily life only to be pleasing to Him, then and only then will I experience the peace He promises me.  It is a choice I have to actively make daily.  It is similar to deciding to eat healthier or exercise.  It is an active choice and there are benefits, but when you stop old habits come back.  The same is true about seeking God and being in His word.  When I stop seeking Him and being in His word, then my old selfish, bad choice making self comes back.  I am a mess without God!  

Matthew 22:37-38 (Good News Translation)

³⁷ Jesus answered, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.³⁸ This is the greatest and the most important commandment.

So today even though I found myself sad thinking about my precious niece and missing my husband, I took comfort in the overwhelming peace I felt.  I am grateful God is ALWAYS willing to meet me where I am emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I am thankful I do not have to be perfect for Him to love me.  

Colossians 1:13-14

³ He rescued us from the power of darkness and brought us safe into the kingdom of his dear Son,¹⁴ by whom we are set free, that is, our sins are forgiven.

You Invite Me In - Meredith Andrews

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=JC22FCNU

Eternity

I would like to start off by saying there is only one way to our Heavenly Father and that is through His son Jesus Christ.

John 14:6 (NIV)

⁶ Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

You have to ask Jesus into your heart, 

Romans 10:9-10 (Good News Translation)

⁹ If you confess that Jesus is Lord and believe that God raised him from death, you will be saved.¹⁰ For it is by our faith that we are put right with God; it is by our confession that we are saved.

1 Corinthians 15:3-4

³ I passed on to you what I received, which is of the greatest importance: that Christ died for our sins, as written in the Scriptures;⁴ that he was buried and that he was raised to life three days later, as written in the Scriptures

There is no amount of work you can do, you can’t be nice enough, loving enough, forgiving enough, or good enough.  There is NOTHING you can do to have an eternal life by yourself.  The ONLY way for an eternal life is through Jesus.

John 3:15-17 (Good News Translation)

¹⁵ so that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.¹⁶ For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life.¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to be its judge, but to be its savior.

Without our Savior we are not truly FREE! Only He can give us the peace we truly crave.

Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

¹ It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

As I move forward and discuss my thoughts, know this is the basic understanding I operate from.  I share my thoughts as I learn more about God and hope others are blessed and encouraged during this journey.  I am a baby Christian who wants to have a deep and intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father.

In my desire to no longer be a “sketchy” Christian I have rearranged my day to include time with God.   For how can I know Him if I don’t spend time with Him, but where do you start when God is so big, The Bible seems so foreign, and even the most basic of common biblical terms confuse you?  The beginning of course :)  So grab a cup of coffee and join me in my journey…

The More I Seek You – Kari Jobe http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4crRPpqoW4&feature=related

Some people strive to be a star, to be in the spot light, to be the best at church, school, career, and home – to be “perfect”.  For me I strive to be ordinary.  I am learning that my life is far from ordinary!  I come from a broken home, from a dysfunctional family, and I have a world of “scarring moments” in my life.  I have stories upon stories of neglectful parents, feelings of rejection caused by family and relationships.  I have made lots of mistakes and bad choices in my life. I fell in love and got married, have marital problems, been to lots of counseling, and on the verge of divorce.  I have been pregnant and had complications, struggled to be a good mom and protect my kids from today’s sick world.  I have suffered the loss of loved ones too precious to me that it crushed my soul.  As I think about my life I can’t help but to think I am just like everyone else…ordinary.  I am not saying we are not unique because we are and our God created us that way on purpose!  He surely could have made us all the same because after all He is the CREATOR and we are His masterpiece.  What I am saying is that being or feeling ordinary gives me comfort because I am just like everyone else, I have issues, problems, and far from “perfect”.  I enjoy being behind the scenes, going unnoticed and on some level I enjoy being invisible or blending in.  It is an easy place for me to find comfort because I have such a dynamic family.  My stepmom is the daughter of Zig Ziglar, my older sister shines in the spot light with her energy and talents, my little sister is super mom while spreading the news about Jesus through missionary, and my brother is a technical guru with an outstanding personality who is great with people.  So being ordinary and invisible is easy to do in this crowd.  The problem is God didn’t create me to be ordinary; He created me to be UNIQUE!  

Psalms 139:13-16 The Message Bible

^13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
      you formed me in my mother's womb.
   I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
      Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
      I worship in adoration—what a creation!
   You know me inside and out,
      you know every bone in my body;
   You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
      how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
   Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
      all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
   The days of my life all prepared
      before I'd even lived one day.

So let’s dive in and explore how my desire to be ordinary is far from ordinary.  

Definition of SKETCHY

1: of the nature of a sketch : roughly outlined

2: wanting in completeness, clearness, or substance : slight, superficial <the details are sketchy>

3: questionable, iffy <got into a sketchy situation> <a sketchy character>

Have you ever felt like you are a sketchy Christian?  These days I am finding myself to be one for sure.  I know the gist of God, I believe in God, and even on some days I can even say a few scriptures about God.  However, I am learning that I do not KNOW God and that has affected my choice making ability greatly in life.  I have been Christian enough to rely on God in the hard times, but not knowing Him enough to lead my life daily and again I find myself in constant misery because of my lack of knowledge in the One who promises to love me and free me.

Romans 1:28-32 (NIV)

²⁸ Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. ²⁹ They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, ³⁰ slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; ³¹ they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. ³² Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Now I am not saying I fit all of these categories because I do consider myself to be a kind, tender hearted person.  The problem is that because I have not taken the time to learn about God I have set myself up to not have an intimate relationship with Him.  Think about your best friend for a moment, did that happen overnight?  Did you just have that deep, intimate relationship with her automatically or did it take time to develop?  If your best friend is anything like mine, then you understand my point.  I am blessed to have a few best girl friends that I can count on no matter what and they are very special to me.  But my BEST of best friends is one I have known for 26 years and we have been through everything imaginable.  She is the friend I don’t have to talk to every day and know that she still loves me and would be there in a moment’s notice.  She is the one that I have not one secret from because I know she accepts me for me no matter what.  She is the one who can finish my thoughts, sentences, or knows exactly what I am thinking with just one look at me.  She has held my hand and just sat with me while I cried through soul breaking moments. Yes, she is my best, best, best friend in the world and I cherish every year we have been friends.  I tell you this because have you ever considered that God desires to be your best, best, best friend in the world? 

Psalm 91:14-16 (NIV)

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
   I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
   I will be with him in trouble,
   I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
   and show him my salvation.”

I have found myself over the past few days in awe of God.  He has comforted me during my storm and given me such a peace and joy that I can’t even put into words.

Romans 15:13

¹³ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I no longer desire to be a “sketchy” Christian to rely solely on my pastor to teach me, my friends to teach me, or my family to teach me.  Nope! Today I want to be the one who digs into His word and let Him teach me all about who He is and what He desires for me.  Just like I look forward to hanging out with my best friends I am finding that I am looking forward to hanging out with Him.  These days I find myself grabbing a hot cup of coffee and snuggling up with my Bible.   I am so humbled and grateful to know that my Heavenly Father wants to meet me just where I am and be my best, best, best friend!

So I end my thoughts for today with this song.

“God I Look to You” Bethel Live http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWasM-Wj3Xo&feature=related

God I look to You
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You
You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength
And I will love you Lord my shield
And I will love You Lord my rock
Forever all my days I will love you God

Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Forever all my days Hallelujah