“break my heart ’til
it moves my hands and feet”
(lyrics from Big
Daddy Weave, love come to life)
John 12:27 (NIV)
27 “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I
say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came
to this hour.
I have been wrestling for a couple of days now with what
exactly I am supposed to journal about, meaning what exactly is God working on
right now in me. I have wrestled with loving
God’s way, being patient like God asks me to be, and how heavy my heart feels
these days. I can say I used to believe
that a “quiet time” with God meant I would be uplifted, refueled, and a sense
of lightness throughout my day so to speak.
Do not get me wrong, I have certainly had quiet times with God where I
feel exactly like this and I love it :) This past week, however, my quiet times have
been more of a cry fest. I feel like I
have a front row seat to all of my bad choices in life where God was not the
focus, but instead I was the focus.
Where the point of me doing something was to gain it for my satisfaction
no matter what that meant for another person.
To break it down I have a front row seat watching the lifetime movie
with me in control. Believe me, IT IS
NOT PRETTY! I am not saying that God is
beating me up with every bad choice I have ever made in my life, GOD DOES NOT
DO THAT! What I am saying is that I have
been asking God to change my heart, to make my heart clean, to show me who I
have been destructive to, and anything else that will prevent me from living my
life according to His will. I do not
EVER, EVER, EVER want to be in charge of me again. Without God I am destructive, selfish,
hurtful, and make poor choices. I have
no desire to repeat this part of history again.
Please hear me when I say, I know I have also been a good, kind, and
loving person as well and I plan on growing these qualities with God’s help.
Psalms 119:29-30 (Good News Translation)
29 Keep me from going the wrong way, and in
your goodness teach me your law. 30 I have
chosen to be obedient; I have paid attention to your judgments.
I remember a time I asked my daughter not to touch my hot flat
iron. Of course, curiosity got the best
of her because she did not trust I knew better than her and touched it. She cried and cried from just a quick
touch. The place on her little finger
hurt for a few days and eventually healed. My heart broke for my sweet girl who
was in pain and hurting. My heart broke
because she didn’t trust me enough to not touch it. My heart broke every time I saw the little
red spot on her finger until it healed and my heart breaks when I think about
what she went through. Why? Because I
never want to see my children hurt or in harm’s way. I love my children more than I could ever
express completely. How many times has God asked me not to do
something because He knew better than me?
TONS!!! How many times did I
think I knew better than God?
TONS!!!! Where does that put me
today, crying A LOT because those choices have caused me pain in the long
run. That is the nature of bad choices,
quick enjoyment at first but pain in the long run. After my daughter burned her finger we put
medicine on it and put a band-aide on it.
Just like I took care of her finger, God is taking care of my
heart. I was tender, loving, and gentle
when I cared for my daughter’s finger because I love her and she is precious to
me. In the same way, God has been very
gentle with me while showing me exactly what I have looked like all these years
to Him. If God does not show me the
error of my ways, then how can I be positive I will ever do something different? Sometimes pain is a good motivator to change,
sometimes I have to suffer the bad consequences of my choices, and sometimes
the healing process is not fun. The good
news is that just like my daughter’s finger healed, I too will be healed and
made into God’s image.
1 John 1:5-10 (The Message)
5This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and
are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there's not a trace of
darkness in him.6-7If we claim that we experience a shared life with
him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through
our teeth—we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God
himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as
the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin.8-10If
we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like
that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean
breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive
our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned,
we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows
off our ignorance of God.
As much as I am not enjoying the
purging of all my wrongdoing’s in my life, I will continue to pray for God to “break
my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet”.
I know that my daughter will NEVER touch a hot flat iron again because
of the painful process she went through to heal and learn I was right all along. I so wish I would have listened to God and
knew He was right all along so I didn’t have to go through all the pain of
healing. I am thankful that God is
working in me so that one day when people see me they see Him.
Galatians 5:22-23
22 But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 humility, and
self-control.
Until then I will gladly sing this song by Big Daddy Weave:
Love Come To Life
I read this today...Proverb 11:2 "Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom". None of us like being broken, but it is the path of wisdom. You are well on your way. I enjoy walking this journey with you as I need company on mine as well.
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