Grammy

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my grandmother, Mable Kate aka Grammy, and missing her these days.  Her death left a big hole in my life, one that to this day I struggle with.  I don’t struggle with her death because I know she is with Jesus and that brings me great joy, happiness, and peace.  I struggle with her absence in my daily life.  I struggle because my daughter’s will never know her; they were toddlers when she died.  I struggle because she was my safe haven, my comforter, my cheerleader, my role model, the one who I loved spending time with doing nothing, and so on.  The list is very long for how she fit into my life and it is still very noticeable that she is not in my life almost ten years later.  When I was with her I felt like I was home and it was amazing.  Grammy was a woman who was loved by anyone and everyone that met her.  At her funeral so many people told our family about how they felt so special in her presence even if they only met her once.  She had that gift about her, you felt like you were the only one in the room and no one was more important than you right then and there.  Just about every one of my favorite memories includes her and I cherish them more now than ever.  I am not surprised she has been on my mind and heart a lot lately.  I generally find myself missing her when I am in some sort of storm in my life because I miss her advice, her comfort and her unconditional love that reassured me everything will be ok and work out.  She had no way of knowing the future but she had a gift of helping me feel better no matter what the outcome might be and I trusted her that it would all work out somehow.  For me she was a concrete in the flesh visual for how I imagine God in my life.  Some days I need the reminder of how hands on God’s love for me really is and all that He wants for my life.  Other days my faith is enough.  

2 Corinthians 5:7 (NIV)

⁷ For we live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I would love to say I feel God’s presence all the time, I feel His love and acceptance all the time, that He is physically present in my life daily, but I do not. I am aware feelings are just that, feelings. They are not based in Truth.  Feelings come and go and they can not be the basis for our relationship with God.  I am learning who God is and about His love for me.  I have faith in His word and His promises.  I believe He sent Jesus to have a relationship with me.  So I have faith in Him even though I do not see or physically feel him every day and moment of my life .  It is hard to comprehend God completely and understand just how much He really loves me.  I know and I believe He loves me way more than Grammy ever could.  He desires to fill all the holes her death has left in me.  He desires to be my all and meet all my needs.  He desires me to come running to Him with open arms with all of me and hear all about my day.   He desires me to love Him completely with everything I have. 

Deuteronomy 6:5 (NIV)

⁵ Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

It is a MUST that I love Him even more than I loved Grammy.  Grammy was so amazing because God lived through her, she was a true reflection of God’s love and we were all blessed because of it.  As I learn more and settle in more confidently about God, I know He is there and waiting for me just like Grammy used to be. I am grateful God blessed me with such a wonderful grandmother, for me there is no one better than her. I am thankful He knew I would need a visual on hard days and put such a beautiful reflection of himself in my life for me to cherish and remember.   I love that when I think about her I see God and that gives me comfort right now.  One day I am going to see Jesus and He is my #1 to meet for sure, but be rest assured seeing my sweet Grammy will be my #2 :)

I end this with two song links, one for my sweet Grammy and the other for My Precious Savior.

As always, I am a super blessed and grateful girl!  I have LOTS to be thankful for in my life.

Homesick:  Mercy Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY&feature=related

Here with Me:  Mercy Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74CNUExD4I8&feature=related

Total Surrender isn’t Easy

For some reason I thought once I turned my life over to God it would be easier.  I am not saying I thought I would never have days of trouble, sorrow, or hard times.  I just thought they would be easier to walk through or experience.  Right now I am going through the hardest times I have ever experienced in my life and I am doing it with God.  In the past I have done life believing in God but not WITH Him on a daily basis.  Meaning I was not seeking Him and doing what He wanted.  I just believed He sent Jesus to save me and doing whatever I wanted to do or felt was right.

Matthew 11:28-30 (Good News Translation)

²⁸ Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest.²⁹ Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest.³⁰ For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.

I read this verse and I think , ummmm this load I am carrying right now sure does not feel very light, in fact it is quite HEAVY.  I find myself questioning this verse and what it really means because I am obviously missing something.  I know God doesn’t change and He follows through on ALL His promises.  So it has to be me that is the issue.  So I start with the actual definition of yoke.

Yoke:

noun

1. a device for joining together a pair of draft animals, especially oxen, usually consisting of a crosspiece with two bow-shaped pieces, each enclosing the head of an animal. Compare harness ( def. 1 ) .

2. a pair of draft animals fastened together by a yoke: five yoke of oxen.

3. something resembling a yoke or a bow of a yoke in form or use.

4. a frame fitting the neck and shoulders of a person, for carrying a pair of buckets or the like, one at each end.

5. an agency of oppression, subjection, servitude, etc.

EXPAND

verb (used with object)

21. to put a yoke on; join or couple by means of a yoke.

22. to attach (a draft animal) to a plow or vehicle: to yoke oxen.

23. to harness a draft animal to (a plow or vehicle): to yoke a wagon.

24. to join, couple, link, or unite.

25. Obsolete . to bring into subjection or servitude.

26. to be or become joined, linked, or united.

The verse says, “take my yoke and put it on you” but obviously there is no physical device to join me to Jesus.  The reality of it is still very true, I must join, attach, link, unite and so on myself to Jesus.  Until I am willing to surrender to Jesus it does not matter how attached I am to Him or believe in Him.

Surrender:

1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.

2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.

3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.

4. to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).

5. to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.

I have always had a love for horses and I think they are magical. I am grateful we have always had them for me to love on and cherish.   I remember taking riding lessons when I was 12-ish and being put on a horse named Muffin.  Muffin was not the horse you EVER wanted to be on for a lesson.  She was great for walking around, eating grass, and doing things she liked doing.  When she knew it was lesson time the closer I got to the ring the more she bucked.  I began to dread lesson times because I knew I was in for some serious bucking and knew a battle would have to happen before the learning and lesson ever could.  I am thankful I always won that battle and she never bucked me off.  I am also thankful that I learned how to stay on a horse while it was bucking.  I would love to say that I have never fallen off a horse but sadly that is not the case.  Although I have never been bucked off, I have actually fallen off for various things most of which had to do with an error on my end.  Stories for another time :)  Muffin had to learn to surrender to what I wanted her to do.  Until she did we were in a battle.  The battle could have hurt either one of us.  There was no time frame for how long Muffin would buck, but eventually she went to the ring and we did the lesson every time.  This is how I feel like my relationship with God is right now.  I am Muffin and I am bucking in a lot of areas in my life because I do not want to surrender to God’s will.  I wouldn’t say I don’t want to because I do, I honestly do.  It is more like I don’t know how to completely surrender.  For me I am finding that letting go of my plans, thoughts, feelings, desires, and the “me me me” is HARD!  Just when I think I have it down another “me” event or thought happens.  Muffin had to realize that I was in charge and she was going to do what I wanted/asked her to do.  The same is true with God; this is the requirement for everlasting peace, joy, and freedom He promises.  I have to realize He is in charge and I have to do what He asks me to do and until I do I am in for the battle of my life, the battle FOR my life.  He will battle for me because He loves me.  His desire is eternity with me and not to make me happy for just today. 

Luke 19:23-24 (Good News Translation)

²³ And he said to them all,  If you want to come with me, you must forget yourself, take up your cross every day, and follow me.²⁴ For if you want to save your own life, you will lose it, but if you lose your life for my sake, you will save it.

This is the “yoke” part of the verse.  Until I am willing to forget myself EVERY DAY and surrender  to God DAILY there is no way the last part of the verse, “³⁰ For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light” will be possible.  It is scary to say no matter what happens in my life I am going to follow God.  It is scary not because God is scary, but because it is unknown.  For me it is so easy for fear to lurk in the unknown.  Taking each day moment by moment and one day at a time is hard, but thinking about the future is harder!  The future is unknown and when I think about it fear can set in.  God knows this and that is why He says,

Matthew 6:33-34 (Good News Translation)

³³ Instead, be concerned above everything else with the Kingdom of God and with what he requires of you, and he will provide you with all these other things.³⁴ So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.

I love that He says INSTEAD, for me this is huge because He knows my heart, fears, worries, and everything in between about me.  He tells me INSTEAD of worrying about the unknown be concerned or focused on Him and what He requires of me.  What He requires from me is the forgetting about “me” and only living for Him.  I am learning how to live for only Him and leave myself out of the mix and there are lots of days I do not think I am very successful and get discouraged.  Living for God is a life long learning process. It is so important to have other Christ followers in my life to encourage me during this journey of new life.  Some days I feel like I am in the middle of the lake drowning, crying for help, and so caught up in my stuff that I do not realize if I just put my feet down I can touch the bottom of the lake and stand up.  My family and friends are always there screaming from the side, “you can touch the bottom, stand up” and cheering me on.  I am grateful and blessed for sure :)  God is the bottom, He is the solid foundation, He is all knowing, and He loves me way more than I love myself.  He is never guided by false feelings, temporary emotions, or surrounding circumstances.  God knew I would not be perfect in my relationship with Him.  He knew I would struggle and need LOTS of help.  Thankfully, He provided the perfect example and the perfect sacrifice, Jesus,  so I could just be me.  The me that struggles, but has the true desire to only live a life God called me to live.  The me that wants nothing more than to be pleasing to Him and stand before Him and hear “Well Done good and faithful one”.  So today I joyfully say,

Psalm 139:23-24 (Good News Translation)

²³ Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover my thoughts. ²⁴ Find out if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.^[b]

This testing and examining period is hard.  It is not easy and actually it is painful on some days.  There are lots of tears for sure.  But the reward is a true, total surrendered life with Jesus and the promise of eternity.  How awesome is that!  What could be a better reward than eternity with God…NOTHING!  

Casting Crowns:  Praise you in this storm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ&feature=related

One Day at a Time

Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

³⁴"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

I love Tuesdays!  Tuesday is the days I meet with our family Pastor, my Godly tutor, as I like to call him.   These times are precious to me and I am grateful for every moment.  Yesterday in our time together we discussed my previous post about fear and how I got to the point I got to.  Let me just say, I got ahead of myself!  I worried about future events which put me in “self” focus mode and not in “God” focus mode.  What I learned was when I am focusing on myself it creates static on the line and I can’t hear God quite as clearly.  It reaffirmed my previous post about God didn’t change, He was still there and I was the one who changed the connection.  During our conversation my pastor spoke truth as in God’s truth which can be backed up in scripture.  That is how you know it is truth, it can be found in the Bible and if it can’t then it is not truth, period!  While he was talking to me all I could think about was how Jesus spent his time before he actually was hung on the cross.

Mark 15:16-20 (Good News Translation)

¹⁶ The soldiers took Jesus inside to the courtyard of the governor's palace and called together the rest of the company.¹⁷ They put a purple robe on Jesus, made a crown out of thorny branches, and put it on his head.¹⁸ Then they began to salute him: Long live the King of the Jews!¹⁹ They beat him over the head with a stick, spat on him, fell on their knees, and bowed down to him.²⁰ When they had finished making fun of him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes back on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.

I thought wow, how can I be in a “poor me” state knowing how Jesus spent His last days on Earth.  Jesus led a perfect life!  He knew how his final days were going to end.

Matthew 26:39 (NIV)

³⁹ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

There are so many days I find myself praying for God to please take this burden from me.  It is hard to pray the very important last part of the prayer, not my will, but YOUR WILL be done.  It is so hard to stay God focused when storms pop up in my life.  It is hard to trust God with the things I do not understand.  It is hard to trust God when I feel like I can fix the problem myself.  I have realized I can live in today and in each moment when it comes to my daughter Mable.  She is autistic, she is considered a flight risk because she flees at any given moment, she likes to eat and drink things that are dangerous, and she is extremely impulsive.  She seems to get the weird medical things and our Pediatrician jokes about us living under some strange star.  There have been times in my life where I have thought, “wow can we just go to the doctor and hear you child has the flu or strep?”  Why does just about everything she seems to get have to be researched and talked about with a team of other doctors?  Here is just one example; Mable battled hives for about 1.5 years.  I mean head to toe covered in itchy red spots not one clear patch of skin on her body; it was horrible to watch her suffer.  When she had a hives outbreak her hands, feet, sometimes legs, and lips turned blue.  Yes, I said blue!  I will never forget the day I asked our doctor,” how blue does she need to be before I take her to the ER?”  Thankfully, hives went away as mysteriously as they appeared.  The blueness however stuck around.  She was a tad blue just today *sigh*  I say all of this to point out I realized many years ago that Mable’s issues were way too big for me to fix, worry about, or deal with.  I have to take each day as it comes, each moment as it comes, and deal with the day as it unfolds.  Anything else will drive me insane.  It is not hard to trust God to handle Mable’s issues and give me the grace to survive them. 

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NIV)

⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Right now I feel very pressed on every side!  I am holding on to God’s promise I will not be destroyed and I am learning to take each day as it unfolds in all areas of my life and not just in how I care for Mable.  It is hard to wait on God and it is hard to be patient.

Psalm 27:14 (NIV)

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. (NIV)

It is a daily choice I make even though it is hard and some days it seems impossible to wait and trust God.  I make the choice because I believe God loves me and only wants the best for me.  I believe His promises and He already gave the ultimate gift for me, Jesus.  A gift I do not deserve or have earned,nor will I ever.  It is a gift I accept and I am very grateful for!  Anything else is extra at this point, the tissue paper, bow or wrapping ;)

Isaiah 40:28-31(NIV)

²⁸ Do you not know?  Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. ²⁹ He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. ³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; ³¹ but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  

I am so grateful for God’s love and willingness to renew my strength.  I am grateful I have a family that speaks truth to me even when I don’t want to hear it.  I am grateful our family pastor is willing to grow my faith and help me learn how to be the woman God created me to be.  I am grateful that even though I feel weak and the past couple of weeks have been very hard, I am not crushed.  I have hope in God, I have peace from God, I have grace from God, and I have mercy from God.  Most of all I am grateful I have acceptance and love from God.  Knowing I don’t have to be perfect is a pretty freeing place to be right now.  I love that God knows my heart and my true desires to be only pleasing to Him and what He calls me to do.  I love that He already knows I will make mistakes while learning how to hear Him and it is a lifelong process to become a mature Christ Follower.  I am grateful for His promises to work all things for His good.  Not my good, HIS GOOD!

Romans 8:25-30(Good News Translation)

²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.²⁶ In the same way the Spirit also comes to help us, weak as we are. For we do not know how we ought to pray; the Spirit himself pleads with God for us in groans that words cannot express.²⁷ And God, who sees into our hearts, knows what the thought of the Spirit is; because the Spirit pleads with God on behalf of his people and in accordance with his will. ²⁸ We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him,^[a] those whom he has called according to his purpose.²⁹ Those whom God had already chosen he also set apart to become like his Son, so that the Son would be the first among many believers.³⁰ And so those whom God set apart, he called; and those he called, he put right with himself, and he shared his glory with them.

I am grateful I can ALWAYS find God, call out to Him, and He is there ready and waiting to listen.

This is the song I have clung to this week

Kari Jobe: Find you on my knees

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K66ZL7NX

Ambushed

I started blogging about my journey because I felt I was being lead to share my thoughts, but it can be a tad nerve racking at times because I feel vulnerable.  Being open in a public format is hard when all you want to be is invisible. Don’t get me wrong, I do hope others who read this blog are encouraged and blessed in whatever situation they find themselves going through.   I also know God’s purpose for me is not to be invisible.  

Luke 11:33-35 (NIV)

³³ “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. ³⁴ Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy,^[a] your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy,^[b] your body also is full of darkness. ³⁵ See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.

At the beginning of this journey I felt GREAT; even in the rough patches I still experienced peace.  The best way to describe it is like a Jesus high :)  During this time period I felt untouchable, like anything was possible!  Like children who really believe they can fly… invincible.  It is an amazing feeling and exactly what I needed at the time.  For the past week I have felt peace, but the overwhelming presence of God seemed to be missing.  I know God is ALWAYS with me, He is ALWAYS available, and He is ALWAYS present.  Some days I am better with feeling/hearing Him than others. Faith is a verb, meaning it requires action.  I am actively learning how to have faith and have an intimate relationship with God.  It does not happen overnight and it is a process.  

2 Corinthians 4:13-18 (Good News Translation)

¹³ The scripture says, I spoke because I believed. In the same spirit of faith we also speak because we believe.¹⁴ We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus to life, will also raise us up with Jesus and take us, together with you, into his presence.¹⁵ All this is for your sake; and as God's grace reaches more and more people, they will offer to the glory of God more prayers of thanksgiving.¹⁶ For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day.¹⁷ And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble.¹⁸ For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts forever.

What I did not prepare myself for was how to handle the troubled times when I was not feeling so close to God.  Not because God changed, but because I changed.  For a brief moment, I took my focus off God and looked at my surroundings and I started to spiral down.

Matthew 14:28-31 (Good News Translation)

²⁸ Then Peter spoke up. Lord, if it is really you, order me to come out on the water to you. ²⁹Come! answered Jesus. So Peter got out of the boat and started walking on the water to Jesus.³⁰ But when he noticed the strong wind, he was afraid and started to sink down in the water. Save me, Lord! he cried. ³¹ At once Jesus reached out and grabbed hold of him and said, What little faith you have! Why did you doubt?

I would LOVE to say I cried out “save me Lord”, but I did not.  Instead I allowed myself to stay in fear and open the door for Satan, father of lies.

1 Peter 5:8-9 (Good News Translation)

⁸ Be alert, be on watch! Your enemy, the Devil, roams around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.⁹ Be firm in your faith and resist him, because you know that other believers in all the world are going through the same kind of sufferings.

The past week I found myself so wrapped up in fear that life seemed to just stop.  Not actually stop because that is not possible, but mentally I felt frozen, like I couldn’t move past my fear.  Right now my life is very scary, there is not one place where fear couldn’t live and grow wildly.  Sadly, instead of relying on God to comfort me and trust His promises, I let lies torture me.  I allowed myself to dwell in the very place I have no control over, fear of the unknown.  God calls me to TRUST Him completely with EVERYTHING, not just the little things but the BIG things too.  The big bad scary things!  Nothing is too big for God and nothing is a surprise for Him either. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  ⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

So even though I have allowed myself to briefly live in fear, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that MY God, MY Savior is standing with me in this storm.  I have now cried out “Save me Lord” and like He promised, it was immediate.   

Psalms 30:11-12 (Good News Translation)

¹¹ You have changed my sadness into a joyful dance; you have taken away my sorrow and surrounded me with joy.¹² So I will not be silent; I will sing praise to you.  Lord, you are my God; I will give you thanks forever.

During this time I have found out why it is extremely important to have other Christ followers in my life.  I am so grateful I am surrounded by so many people who are willing to help me climb out of the hole of lies I allowed myself to live in.  I am grateful I have people I can turn to no matter what time of day or night to talk me off a ledge and speak God’s Truth to me.  I am grateful God takes me back right where I am and reminds me how much He loves me.  I am grateful for a lot more things than I am in fear of these days.  I am grateful for God’s love, grace, and mercy that wash over me when I cry out “SAVE ME Lord”.

Psalms 62:5-8 (Good News Translation)

⁵ I depend on God alone; I put my hope in him.  ⁶ He alone protects and saves me; he is my defender,
  and I shall never be defeated. ⁷ My salvation and honor depend on God; he is my strong protector;
  he is my shelter.  ⁸ Trust in God at all times, my people.  Tell him all your troubles, for he is our refuge.

“break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet”

(lyrics from Big Daddy Weave, love come to life)

John 12:27 (NIV)

²⁷ “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.

I have been wrestling for a couple of days now with what exactly I am supposed to journal about, meaning what exactly is God working on right now in me.  I have wrestled with loving God’s way, being patient like God asks me to be, and how heavy my heart feels these days.  I can say I used to believe that a “quiet time” with God meant I would be uplifted, refueled, and a sense of lightness throughout my day so to speak.  Do not get me wrong, I have certainly had quiet times with God where I feel exactly like this and I love it :)  This past week, however, my quiet times have been more of a cry fest.  I feel like I have a front row seat to all of my bad choices in life where God was not the focus, but instead I was the focus.  Where the point of me doing something was to gain it for my satisfaction no matter what that meant for another person.  To break it down I have a front row seat watching the lifetime movie with me in control.  Believe me, IT IS NOT PRETTY!  I am not saying that God is beating me up with every bad choice I have ever made in my life, GOD DOES NOT DO THAT!  What I am saying is that I have been asking God to change my heart, to make my heart clean, to show me who I have been destructive to, and anything else that will prevent me from living my life according to His will.  I do not EVER, EVER, EVER want to be in charge of me again.  Without God I am destructive, selfish, hurtful, and make poor choices.  I have no desire to repeat this part of history again.  Please hear me when I say, I know I have also been a good, kind, and loving person as well and I plan on growing these qualities with God’s help. 

Psalms 119:29-30 (Good News Translation)

²⁹ Keep me from going the wrong way, and in your goodness teach me your law. ³⁰ I have chosen to be obedient; I have paid attention to your judgments.

I remember a time I asked my daughter not to touch my hot flat iron.  Of course, curiosity got the best of her because she did not trust I knew better than her and touched it.  She cried and cried from just a quick touch.  The place on her little finger hurt for a few days and eventually healed. My heart broke for my sweet girl who was in pain and hurting.  My heart broke because she didn’t trust me enough to not touch it.  My heart broke every time I saw the little red spot on her finger until it healed and my heart breaks when I think about what she went through. Why?  Because I never want to see my children hurt or in harm’s way.  I love my children more than I could ever express completely.   How many times has God asked me not to do something because He knew better than me?  TONS!!!  How many times did I think I knew better than God?  TONS!!!!  Where does that put me today, crying A LOT because those choices have caused me pain in the long run.  That is the nature of bad choices, quick enjoyment at first but pain in the long run.  After my daughter burned her finger we put medicine on it and put a band-aide on it.  Just like I took care of her finger, God is taking care of my heart.  I was tender, loving, and gentle when I cared for my daughter’s finger because I love her and she is precious to me.  In the same way, God has been very gentle with me while showing me exactly what I have looked like all these years to Him.  If God does not show me the error of my ways, then how can I be positive I will ever do something different?  Sometimes pain is a good motivator to change, sometimes I have to suffer the bad consequences of my choices, and sometimes the healing process is not fun.  The good news is that just like my daughter’s finger healed, I too will be healed and made into God’s image.

1 John 1:5-10 (The Message)

⁵This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there's not a trace of darkness in him.^6-7If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth—we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin.^8-10If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.

As much as I am not enjoying the purging of all my wrongdoing’s in my life, I will continue to pray for God to “break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet”.  I know that my daughter will NEVER touch a hot flat iron again because of the painful process she went through to heal and  learn I was right all along.  I so wish I would have listened to God and knew He was right all along so I didn’t have to go through all the pain of healing.  I am thankful that God is working in me so that one day when people see me they see Him.

Galatians 5:22-23

²² But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,²³ humility, and self-control.

Until then I will gladly sing this song by Big Daddy Weave:

Love Come To Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOVF634y6-Y

Change My Heart

Ezekiel 36:26-27 (Good News Translation)

²⁶ I will give you a new heart and a new mind. I will take away your stubborn heart of stone and give you an obedient heart.²⁷ I will put my spirit in you and will see to it that you follow my laws and keep all the commands I have given you.

Friends and family ask me on a regular basis, “how are you doing?” and the only answer I seem to have is I am conflicted.  I feel like I am all over the place, but in a good way.  I feel like I have a battle going on inside me, but in a good way.  I feel like my thoughts are battling each other, but in a good way. 

Romans 7:14-25 (The Message)

^14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. ^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. ^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.  ²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?  ²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different. 

 I spend a lot of my time praying and asking God to change my heart and mind because I know He is the only one that can.  I surely have tried for years to be better, love deeper, and forgive more.  I am not saying I haven’t been a good person because I have been.  What I am saying is I have not been all that God designed me to be.  I have not loved how God designed me to love and I have not forgiven the way God designed me to forgive.  I CANNOT do any of these things without God living inside me.  The ONLY way I can do anything that God designed me to do is through the Holy Spirit.  Think of it like this, when we are lost most of us use a navigation system of some sort.  We can use maps but most of us prefer the lady telling us to “turn right” or if you are like me saying, “rerouting”!  The Bible is the map so to speak and the Holy Spirit is the navigation system voice telling us where to go.  If you have the volume down on your navigation system then you can miss much needed information.  If you are distracted chatting with a friend, spouse, or kids then you can also miss the much needed information.  For the navigation to be most effective you have to be paying attention and listening for her voice.  The Holy Spirit works in the same way!  If I have the volume down, meaning I am not in God’s word and in constant prayer, then I can’t hear Him.  If I am distracted with life and my surroundings, then I miss His voice.  The Holy Spirit is the most effective when I am focused on God and His desires for my life.  I must be active in my part of this relationship.  Just like before I leave the house I make sure I have all the “must have” items to make it through my day, I MUST, MUST, MUST make sure I invite God to be a part of my day.  I must turn up the volume of God to be as loud as it will go so I am not lost navigating through my daily life.  I am finding that I must be constantly talking to God throughout my day because the “old me” so desperately wants to take control.  I have already proven to myself, SEVERAL TIMES, that me in control produces one hot mess!  I am in constant praise of gratitude that I do have a Savior who is more than capable and WILLING to save me from ME.  

Psalms 104:33-34 (Good News Translation)

³³ I will sing to the Lord all my life; as long as I live I will sing praises to my God. ³⁴ May he be pleased with my song, for my gladness comes from him.

I love that He is willing to “reroute” me when I get off track and bring me right back into His presence.  When I am struggling I love to listen to this song,

Change This Heart – Sidewalk Prophets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YTZq37OpMw

Interceding

Romans 8:27 (NIV)

²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

Romans 8:27 (Good News Translation)

²⁷ And God, who sees into our hearts, knows what the thought of the Spirit is; because the Spirit pleads with God on behalf of his people and in accordance with his will.

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

^26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

I have three different versions of Romans 8:27 because I couldn’t decide which one was the easiest to understand.  So you get all three tonight and hopefully one of them will speak to you :)

Have you ever been frustrated because you can’t communicate your heart and how you feel to someone?  I find myself having a hard time expressing myself these days because I am a hot mess and apparently have no clue what the true definition of words happen to be.  I use words and phrases of what I think they mean only to have the person on the other end think something WAY different than what I am trying to say.  It can be downright frustrating and most of the time I end up in tears.  Side note for those of you who may be reading this and don’t actually know me, I am a huge cry baby!  I cry when I am happy, sad, thankful, grateful, joyful…you name it and I cry about it *sigh*  Anyways, I get so mad at myself for not being able to express how my heart feels and I can easily go into “beat myself up” mode.  Today as I was praying I realized how thankful I am that God knows my heart.  He knows EXACTLY what I am trying to say and I don’t have to have all the right words to say it because the Hold Spirit is interceding on my behalf.

Psalm 139:1-6 (Good News Translation)
Lord, you have examined me and you know me.    ² You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts.  ³ You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions.
 ⁴ Even before I speak, you already know what I will say.  ⁵ You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power. ⁶ Your knowledge of me is too deep; it is beyond my understanding.

I am grateful to know that I have been washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit and that I have a new life.  It is so wonderful to know and feel I am no longer in charge of me because if I was being honest I sure have not been doing a very good job!  I have fired myself for POOR productivity and not following the operations manual ;)  I have never been so relieved to be fired in my life!  It truly is an AMAZING place to be daily.

Titus 3:3-8 (The Message)

^3-8It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.

So tonight I end my thoughts as a blessed girl who is LOVED so much by her Heavenly Father that he sent His only son for me so that I may have a relationship with Him.  AND that I don’t have to be a walking dictionary to talk to Him ;)  I can just be me, one hot mess!

John 3:16 (NIV)

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.