Ambushed

I started blogging about my journey because I felt I was being lead to share my thoughts, but it can be a tad nerve racking at times because I feel vulnerable.  Being open in a public format is hard when all you want to be is invisible. Don’t get me wrong, I do hope others who read this blog are encouraged and blessed in whatever situation they find themselves going through.   I also know God’s purpose for me is not to be invisible.  

Luke 11:33-35 (NIV)

³³ “No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. ³⁴ Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy,^[a] your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy,^[b] your body also is full of darkness. ³⁵ See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.

At the beginning of this journey I felt GREAT; even in the rough patches I still experienced peace.  The best way to describe it is like a Jesus high :)  During this time period I felt untouchable, like anything was possible!  Like children who really believe they can fly… invincible.  It is an amazing feeling and exactly what I needed at the time.  For the past week I have felt peace, but the overwhelming presence of God seemed to be missing.  I know God is ALWAYS with me, He is ALWAYS available, and He is ALWAYS present.  Some days I am better with feeling/hearing Him than others. Faith is a verb, meaning it requires action.  I am actively learning how to have faith and have an intimate relationship with God.  It does not happen overnight and it is a process.  

2 Corinthians 4:13-18 (Good News Translation)

¹³ The scripture says, I spoke because I believed. In the same spirit of faith we also speak because we believe.¹⁴ We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus to life, will also raise us up with Jesus and take us, together with you, into his presence.¹⁵ All this is for your sake; and as God's grace reaches more and more people, they will offer to the glory of God more prayers of thanksgiving.¹⁶ For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day.¹⁷ And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble.¹⁸ For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts forever.

What I did not prepare myself for was how to handle the troubled times when I was not feeling so close to God.  Not because God changed, but because I changed.  For a brief moment, I took my focus off God and looked at my surroundings and I started to spiral down.

Matthew 14:28-31 (Good News Translation)

²⁸ Then Peter spoke up. Lord, if it is really you, order me to come out on the water to you. ²⁹Come! answered Jesus. So Peter got out of the boat and started walking on the water to Jesus.³⁰ But when he noticed the strong wind, he was afraid and started to sink down in the water. Save me, Lord! he cried. ³¹ At once Jesus reached out and grabbed hold of him and said, What little faith you have! Why did you doubt?

I would LOVE to say I cried out “save me Lord”, but I did not.  Instead I allowed myself to stay in fear and open the door for Satan, father of lies.

1 Peter 5:8-9 (Good News Translation)

⁸ Be alert, be on watch! Your enemy, the Devil, roams around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.⁹ Be firm in your faith and resist him, because you know that other believers in all the world are going through the same kind of sufferings.

The past week I found myself so wrapped up in fear that life seemed to just stop.  Not actually stop because that is not possible, but mentally I felt frozen, like I couldn’t move past my fear.  Right now my life is very scary, there is not one place where fear couldn’t live and grow wildly.  Sadly, instead of relying on God to comfort me and trust His promises, I let lies torture me.  I allowed myself to dwell in the very place I have no control over, fear of the unknown.  God calls me to TRUST Him completely with EVERYTHING, not just the little things but the BIG things too.  The big bad scary things!  Nothing is too big for God and nothing is a surprise for Him either. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  ⁶ in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

So even though I have allowed myself to briefly live in fear, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that MY God, MY Savior is standing with me in this storm.  I have now cried out “Save me Lord” and like He promised, it was immediate.   

Psalms 30:11-12 (Good News Translation)

¹¹ You have changed my sadness into a joyful dance; you have taken away my sorrow and surrounded me with joy.¹² So I will not be silent; I will sing praise to you.  Lord, you are my God; I will give you thanks forever.

During this time I have found out why it is extremely important to have other Christ followers in my life.  I am so grateful I am surrounded by so many people who are willing to help me climb out of the hole of lies I allowed myself to live in.  I am grateful I have people I can turn to no matter what time of day or night to talk me off a ledge and speak God’s Truth to me.  I am grateful God takes me back right where I am and reminds me how much He loves me.  I am grateful for a lot more things than I am in fear of these days.  I am grateful for God’s love, grace, and mercy that wash over me when I cry out “SAVE ME Lord”.

Psalms 62:5-8 (Good News Translation)

⁵ I depend on God alone; I put my hope in him.  ⁶ He alone protects and saves me; he is my defender,
  and I shall never be defeated. ⁷ My salvation and honor depend on God; he is my strong protector;
  he is my shelter.  ⁸ Trust in God at all times, my people.  Tell him all your troubles, for he is our refuge.